This is great.
This message applies to religion all of the way around.
I wasn’t really physically beat (I was spanked), but boy, did I hear these religious messages about constantly forgiving and changing your “evil” feelings like holding grudges, etc. etc.
Religion is the biggest weapon in the world.
At some point, I’ll have to accept the things that happened to me and move on, but it causes anxiety in me so I try to run from it as much as possible, but confronting what I need to confront is just going to make me angry, and my anger is going to cause (mainly my parents) to retaliate with even MORE anger, and then I’ll feel scared and repress MY own natural anger, so that’s not good.
When I try to express anger to my dad, he responds with MORE anger and yelling, so I just avoid it, for better or for worse.
When I try to do the same to my mom, she just deflects it.
And sadly, I’ve tried bringing this up to both of them, with predictable results.
So, I just ignore it.
But I think years of that repetitive behavior just caused me to repress a lot of stuff and run from my feelings, and the only way I can deal with it is to get drunk.
I just need to get my own place and if we take all of this to our graves, that would be ok.
I just don’t want to deal with the confrontation and I’m just going to leave it alone even if it would feel better to get this resolution.
Years of being taught that my feelings were sinful from religion has made this difficult for me to be honest with myself, and for whatever reason, it’s been hard for me to assert myself around people, so I avoid them.
I just avoid them because I can’t deal with them, and of course I hear about what a bad person I am. It’s just incredibly discouraging.
My solution that I have right now is to just ignore them and drink them away. Then, when I’ve gotten to a point that I can ignore them enough, I can just move on.
But this is going to be hard for me because every time I’ve tried to assert myself, I’ve always faced the “yeah but” complex. I think some people do that because they’re religiously afraid of not doing the right thing, and I think that some people are just foolish and don’t know what they’re talking about.
But fools are the most disheartening thing in life to me, and I’ve always tried to do “the right thing” and teach them at all times because it was my “moral duty” to give to others who were not as blessed as I was.
Meaning “teach others that are stupid”, even if they say terrible things about you and don’t know what they’re talking about.
If I sit around and keep listening to people and valuing what the unintelligent have to say, I’m going to drink myself to oblivion.
I have to fight against the religious guilt from “not helping everyone out all of the time” and avoiding the guilt of “selfishness” and all of these other things if I’m ever going to reach a resolution, and the process makes me want to cry.
I’ll begin by drinking myself to blackout when it becomes to difficult to ignore the bad advice, and then I’ll go from there.
Also, I’ll probably drink to keep people from telling me how to live my life (such as how I shouldn’t drink myself into oblivion), and I’ll continue to think and write about what life means, even though almost no one understands what I’m saying.
I suppose I’ll just drink myself to oblivion and continue to do my life’s work, including writing what I think is true and going after the knowledge that I want, hopefully learning to avoid justifications for my actions and learning how to handle these emotions that I feel during conflict, such as guilt for being intelligent or appealing to “morals” and listening to what everyone else has to say, and all of these other things that are not natural to me.
I think it’s time for my bottle.