Perhaps it is time to reevaluate my life, and stop worrying about money so much.
Instead of dreaming about having tons of money, and instead of even working towards it, perhaps I should find other enjoyments, and focus on those for a while.
I don’t want to be a businessman.
I want to be an artist with art for sale.
There is a crucial distinction:
A businessman will do whatever you want him to to sell you something, whereas an artist will not compromise on his initial vision just to make a dollar.
I believe that I’m in the latter category, and I don’t think I want to use the amount of money I’m making, nor the amount of notoriety I am receiving, to justify my art.
It’s making me HATE my art, which I know, in my heart, is a bad thing.
So, I need to find a NEW way to feel about my art.
While I’m creating, I know exactly what I’m doing.
But what about AFTER I’m finished creating a piece? Or LONG after I’m finished creating a piece?
How should I feel about my first Youtube video, which I posted over a year ago? Which hasn’t gone viral? (Here’s #1 in the series, if you were wondering. I don’t remember what happened with these upload dates…)
How should I feel about my first Kindle published piece of literature, which was released almost THREE years ago? Which isn’t a bestseller?
Although, for many years in my life, I have dreamed of wealth and fame, I think that basing how I feel about my first Youtube video on the number of views it has received is negative in many ways.
I love pretty much every video that I’ve put on Youtube, and although I dream about making more money from it, I can’t HATE my videos just because it isn’t happening.
Therefore, I love my videos, and that’s the end game. And I can make more of the videos that I make, enjoy them, and then love them to, for many years to come (unless I start to dislike their quality, which is different than disliking them because of an external factor, such as how many people have viewed it).
I always want to be the sole driving-force behind how I feel about my work, and I’ve done a fairly good job of it up to this point, but I have stressed over my lack of “success”, or the lack of numbers of people who enjoy my work as well, but that’s only been because of the money, honestly.
And yes, I would love to make a living with my work, but I don’t think that’s going to change how I ultimately feel about my work, because I just enjoy doing it regardless of the money.
Maybe one day I would do things for money (because, afterall, that’s what I’m doing with my job), but there’s something sacred about having something that you do solely for money (your “day job”), and having something deeper, and more meaningful: something that you would invest countless amounts of money into, even if it provided financially fruitless, but which still fulfilled you nonetheless.
I hope and pray that this is the direction that I continue to go with my work, with the “fandom be damned” attitude, and I hope that my love for my work NEVER dies.
And yes, of course, I would love wealth (I’m not too sure about fame, but I think that if I would like to obtain more money, I’m going to have to obtain more notoriety as well), but I don’t want to create work solely to obtain more of those things by giving people exactly what they want. I don’t want to lose passion for my work solely because other people do not enjoy it as much as I do. I don’t want to completely change my personality, and become someone who gets intimately involved in the lives of others. I don’t want to become someone who’s personality changes greatly because of an increase in fame.
All I want is to create work that I enjoy, and hope and pray to make a living at it, just like all artists truly do when they’re being completely unabashed in their honest, intimate feelings…