Uncompleted work…

All I have to do is look at all that I want to write, and it makes me want to not write.

It makes me want to post clever Facebook statuses instead of mentally swimming through a sea of ideological sparks of self-discovery, on my way to finding out how to specifically start a piece of nonfiction as broadly and comprehensively as possible, without neglecting anything, so that I can say everything it is that I want to say.

Given the wide variety of topics that I want to write about, and how thoroughly I desire to write each one, my brain shuts down, and I say “Not today.” Instead, I post things which require less mental effort, but which are more immediately gratifying, as I can complete a Facebook status much more easily than I can a piece of philosophical non-fiction.

The act of completing a piece of writing encourages me, which is why I spend so much more time on Facebook than I do for articles on my blog.

Now that I think about it, Facebook is writing as well, although it is typically seen as an “inferior” form of writing.

That depends on the content that is being written, but at any rate…

As I was saying, with these statuses, I can focus on ONE small idea, and thus get it completed. Not only do I get the satisfaction of completing a piece of work; each “Facebook” idea is so short (when compared to my nonfiction) that I can work on multiple ones at one time and still get them done in a reasonable amount of time (until they enter “blog” land, where they are abandoned and saved as a Word document, where they lie until I’m feeling masochistic enough to open up my folder containing all of my Word documents…); whereas when it comes to blog posts, there are many Word documents open at one time (similar to the Facebook statuses), but each document is its own ocean, each with its own trench…

The number and depth of ideas I see in Word documents overwhelms me, and I “shut it down” for reasons I’d not like to fully elaborate here. One problem is how angry I get when I reread a piece of work, (even if it’s not completed), which causes the entire organizational process to begin over; the entire torture of beginning that long, arduous process of discovering how to begin an extremely complex, intricate piece of work that I’d desperately like to create (AND COMPLETE). I’d rather write something down quickly and coherently. It makes me happy, much like a sugar rush. What I’d really like to do is live a long, healthy life, metaphorically speaking.

In other words, I get angry when rereading my work because of how shitty it is, but I’ll leave it at that…

So, when I realize how shitty the quality is, how exhausting the mental work is, and how I emotionally feel about exercising mental effort because of previous experiences with family and peers, I just shut it down completely. Thankfully, my overwhelming desire to write kicks in, and thus, another Facebook status (or even a SHORT blog post) is born…

However, countless works remain unfinished, with more ideas popping up too often to keep track of, increasing the “to-do” list that much more, which pushes back the work even FURTHER, to the point where I wonder “When am I going to get all of this shit done?” Then, I recognize how much is unfinished, and then I try to start again. Read through my Word files. Find a topic that I feel like I have more information to share. Write it down. Stop as soon as that’s done (which occurs quite quickly, I might add). Then, scroll through more Word documents. Skip 25 of them on my way down to another one, then add a couple of paragraphs (if I’m lucky), hope and pray that they’re objective and coherent, and then stop for a couple of months.

Those days where I can work on 10 Word documents at a time (a little at a time, of course), are great days indeed…

Even then, the quality is quite poor, for various reasons I’ll discuss in other pieces (if I can organize my thoughts well enough, and find the courage to write more frequently, more orderly, and more comprehensively…)

Also, working on “10” pieces at a time means that they will often go unfinished for long stretches of time, which is frustrating for me, as I’d like to make a living at this some day…

Not to mention the fact that while writing ONE piece, I’ll be inspired to start another, brand new piece, and thus only a blank Word document with a title is created, added to that god damned “uncompleted” folder which taunts me, haunts me and laughs at me when I dare even glance at its direction; much less staring it dead in the eyes…

All of this is exhausting, and it takes an incredibly strong mind to put up with it.

All writers must have incredibly strong minds, like the grip of a bear trap…

They must have the focus and tools (structural, grammatical, and content-wise) to be a “good” writer.

I really want to be a “good” writer.

My heart tells me I’m good, but just unpolished, and that it will come with more time…

In the meantime, (and, no doubt, the same will hold true in the future), all I want to do is write truthful things.

I want to write objectively true pieces of nonfiction, even if they’re rejected by a majority of their readers.

I don’t care to debate, as this isn’t a debate club. Readers can debate my writings all they want to. I may or may not decide to debate, but I’m not running a debate club. I don’t care whether or not any specific person or specific number of people agree that it is objective or not.

All I care is that it is objective, but I don’t care enough to fret over whether every single piece is objective to the point that I reach a religious level of fearful compulsion. Nor do I care to have my core beliefs enlightened by Gospel, even if it is truthful. I will do my best, and I will find happiness in my work.

And that happiness involves writing down my honest beliefs and feelings, hoping that they are true, and doing my best to exude them.

Oh yeah:

And if I could pick up a goddamn thesaurus every once in a while, that’d be fine, too… -.-

(Hopefully, this will show you that I’m not as shitty of a writer as you may have thought 🙂

And here’s some shit you can buy. Lol 🙂

The nature of writing is that you have to do it: the exhausting nature of the work which I wish to accomplish.

I’ll be called “cocky” for this, but this is part of my own personality development (growth, my love for understanding, etc. etc.).

Personality Development.

Personality Development 2? My existential purpose? My intrinsic enjoyment and happiness? My “Heaven”?

(Oh yeah…my fiction is similar. Thankfully, my poetry does not work this way at all, and comes in quick bursts, where I can write several of them in very short periods of time, when I feel like it (or, rather, when it comes to me…)).

Fame.

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15 thoughts on “Uncompleted work…

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  14. uriahheep111

    I relate to a lot of this, indeed. I have a good number of ideas but so little time to accomplish anything. I want to understand my craft better so as to be a more readable author. I think it is partly based on objective rules of grammar and rhetoric as subjective taste. Hopeful, yet very daunting.

    Reply

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