…if she’s 18, and looks like a 12 year old…
…or is 12 and looks like an 18 year old…
Or at the very least: prison).
Quite brave of me, indeed…
(Some people may take my lack of desire to talk to them about my offensive comedy as some type of admission of guilt, whereby I don’t want to talk to someone about it because I’m “hiding violent skeletons in the closet”, so to speak. I have had this fear my entire life, as I’ve always had a dark sense of humor, and people have always thought me a little skewed. I’ve always feared being violent, because I didn’t really know who I was. I was young, and my identity hadn’t been formed. Also, I think it had something to do with OCD. “Would I really kill someone?”, I thought. And then, I would feel anxious. Pretty symptomatic of OCD, in my opinion.
However, after years of attempting to justify myself, and smooth things over, with people who would become angry at things that I said, I’m finally getting old enough to not care. I’m finally mature enough to understand that just because someone who is offended thinks me a pedophile, a murderer, and a rapist, obviously does not make me any of those things.
I’ve always feared being what I hate the most.
I think a lot of people are that way.
And one of my biggest fears was always being violent.
I’ve never felt violent, and I’ve never felt like being violent, (although who hasn’t thought of killing someone just to calm themselves down? I bet there’s many non-violent people who thought about killing someone just to calm down, but of course, were sane and empathetic enough not to do it).
I’ve always feared for my sanity because of what other people have said to me, as well as just being afraid in general because I’m naturally a fearful person (genetically).
I’ve never genuinely wanted to stab someone in the chest, or shoot someone, or rob someone, or rape someone (although my sadistic fantasies did produce major anxiety within me when I was younger: especially when I was still a “conservative“. It really made me hate sex, and may explain some of my “sexist” tendencies).
I’ve been so afraid of being an “evil” person (more than likely, this has a lot to do with conservatism, and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, then consider yourself lucky: it’s too much to write about here).
I have spent my whole life trying to explain to people that my natural dark sense of humor, whyever I have it, does not make me a monster.
I really don’t want to do any of those horrific things, and thankfully, I’m not going to.
And I don’t want to care anymore if other people do not believe me, even if it does break my heart…
I don’t want to produce any anxiety about it anymore…