I don’t want to mention any names (but I do anyway), and CERTAINLY other people have had it worse than I did, but, nonetheless, there’s some problems here with how I was raised, and with conservative morality, which teaches people to repress their honest emotions with the rationalization that “other people have it worse”. It’s just quite frankly UNLOVING, to be honest with you…

Sometimes, shoddy things just happen.

That’s a lesson that I had to learn early on in life…

Over and over and over again…

Depression, once a seemingly insurmountable obstacle, that I would have to hope and pray would go away, now does not seem as daunting.

Granted, I have not reached that level of darkness that I have frightfully reached in the past…

But thankfully, I’m older, and I understand things better now, and all of that fear and confusion from my youth, which led to a longlasting depression, now are only painful memories instead of a fearful reality.

I suppose that’s the silver lining, although looking back on it, it is still excruciatingly painful…

That isn’t even mentioning the conservatism that followed suit after that…

And then the atheism, and then the assholishness, and then the dark comedy…

I was lashing out against conservatism BAD, and fucking RIGHTLY so…

Also, I STILL don’t know how I got out of that depression…

The depressions that I feel nowadays are, in my opinion, of a different variety, and of different things.

But the events that were occurring during my life as a kid were just far too confusing to comprehend, and, honestly, some of the parental choices that my mother made (which were, quite frankly, dreadful, despite her good intentions), no doubt made me quite emotionally cold, as much as she would hate to read that…

I suppose that’s all part of the past, now, however…

I’ve never really liked to analyze the darkness of my past, but now, it feels more controllable…

That also explains why I’m so forgetful: shitty stuff made me train myself to be forgetful so that I could forget all of the shit my mother did to me (abandonment, a couple of quick, unpredictable strikes to the face for cursing (hypocritical, I might add…), stuff like that), and how she reacted when I confronted her about it (playing the victim), and all of the shit she did for years following that (pretty much abandoning the family for years, then dropping in and trying to be “loving” for a couple of minutes before taking off again), and it explains why our relationship is still semi-strained to this day (well duh…no shit).

It’s dark stuff…

I haven’t really thought about my relationship with my peers back then, but it’s pretty dark as well.

And, I honestly, completely realize now why running away from dark things just doesn’t work.

Here lately, I have been completely accepting my depression, and not running away from it, and have accepted the “flaw” or “brokenness” that I have (as, I guess, I used to think of it), and although, of course, it is depressing, there’s something relieving about not running away from it anymore…

Of course, depression is dark. But it’s REAL. If you have it, running away from it doesn’t work. Conservative moralism doesn’t work (God forbid!). To be honest, I can’t exactly explain what works, but all I know is that from here, I’m going to continue to deconstruct my past, and ignore pretty much every single piece of advice that I’ve ever been given, because I know that it will point me in a more apropos direction for myself…

But now, it makes me wonder about my previous mistakes, and how I can know if any of my decisions are going to pan out or not…

I suppose, that’s the part of age, where you can only discover that for yourself, and through hindsight…

Thank you, movie, for bringing back these blackouts that were previously pains.

I can tell that reliving this pain is going to make me a more effective, competent writer, as I’m not running away from my honest feelings, and not doing what other people tell me to do just because they care about me, when I know that it is the wrong direction for myself…

And perhaps, this is what my loved ones want…

Even though they tried to steer me in a direction that I didn’t want to go (as all parents do to some degree, honestly…), and I know it wasn’t malevolent (although some of the decisions were honestly terrible), I can see that some of their philosophies are counter-intuitive to my personality, and now, I have a more developed sense of rational thought to realize this, an increased vocabulary, and confidence to assert this.

As long as some people don’t try to guilt me into thinking that I don’t love them, all may very well be hunky-dory…

Child.

Kid.

Excerpts from my fiction.

My poetry.

Insightful.

Offend the Fuck Out of People.

My work.

Where you can financially support me if you so desire (T-shirts included; please share all of these links).

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