BENTONVILLE, AR – Yesterday, at 12:01 PM, 27-year-old Brad Stephenson told reporters that he still planned on ordering a sundae later that evening as he was seen vomiting outside the local McDonald’s. A television crew from station WEFT reported that they approached the young man after seeing him knelt over the railing in front of the eatery, expunging what they described to be “pea soup-like.” Upon asking Mr. Stephenson if he indeed had eaten any pea soup, the young man only managed to gasp “McChicken” before vomiting again. Moms and children, upon first arriving at the scene, only ran inside of the building, seemingly unaware at what had made Mr. Stephenson sick in the first place. Mr. Stephenson reached out his hand to express his concern for the children, but had to quickly retreat his hand to his stomach, where he felt another ball of puke gurgling. “I can feel another ball of puke gurgling,” he told WEFT. When asked if he had planned on ever returning back to the establishment, Mr. Stephenson responded “Of course. Sundaes are still only a dollar, aren’t they?” When pressed further for comment, Mr. Stephenson implied that he was never going to learn to cook his own food. “They don’t sell frozen McChickens at the supermarket that you can microwave, do they?”
How do we know if we feel like shit when we feel like shit?
I mean, has anyone ever asked shit how it feels about this? How do we know what shit feels like if we’ve never asked it?
I bet it feels like shit that we’ve never asked it- ah, shit. I just “ass”umed something that I can’t think of the word of.
…Unless we’re actually talking about the texture.
*God, holding a meeting with the angels*
God: “Alright, I’m going to create something called ‘humans’. They’re going to be physically attracted to each other, and they’re going to do something called ‘fucking’ a lot. Basically, it just feels good.”
Angels: “Alright! Hell yeah!”
God: “And as long as they don’t eat anything from this tree that I’ve put in this garden for some reason, they won’t have to feel any confusing emotions regarding this physical attraction. They can fuck and fuck all they want, and they’ll never feel any negative or confusing emotions.”
Angel: “But what if they DO eat from the tree?”
God: “Well…then I guess they’re fucked.”
…I’m a fucking genius lmfao
Let me tell you how I think the game of baseball started.
Some guy threw a rock at some other guy.
The other guy was pissed, and the first guy said “Take that stick and try to hit it back at me.”
The second guy said “Ok”, and then proceeded to get hit with the rock again.
Well, this time, he had a stick, so he proceeded to beat the shit out of the first guy with the stick.
Then the first guy said “Alright, alright. Let’s be civilized.” And they both knew that throwing rocks and hitting rocks was fun, so they came up with rules.
And that’s why the rules of baseball seem so weird: because it was a game constructed simply to keep men from killing each other due to having too much fun with balls and sticks.
…And don’t most rules come for that very reason?
Every time I take a shit, I use enough toilet paper to make my right hand look like a terrorist.
It’s already been interrogated by the government six times.