Tag Archives: Doubt

Gray hair from a civil/revolutionary war probability. (Gray from tyranny = granny?)

If one doesn’t find enjoyment or pleasure out of trying to eliminate injustices or right wrongs, one should find something else to do that he or she enjoys.

There’s a reason why people who stay at home to watch football on Sundays are happier than those that go to church.

And why does happiness matter? Well, if Heaven is so great, what does that really mean unless it brings one complete joy?

Is Heaven sitting around griping about the gays? Is it a never-ending Bible read? Do they sit around, constantly complaining about how corrupt the young people in Hell are?

The idea that happiness on Earth doesn’t matter spits in the face of the Garden of Eden. The Garden of Eden was a perfect paradise. Doesn’t that mean that Adam and Eve had to be happy? Of course, if they were perfectly content, why did they eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil? Well, to use an analogy, is it not the case that one can be having a great time, but make a grave mistake that directly affects his or her life negatively forever? Can’t a man, driving to the beach to go on vacation, accidentally strike and kill a child with his car, and thus, spend significant time behind bars?

Of course, Adam and Eve disobeyed a direct commandment. But they did not know just how negatively it was going to affect them, and the rest of the world (for the entirety of its existence). This does not mean that they should not have been punished. One, of course, can lament about “why they [we] were ever doomed to failure”, much like one can lament “why the child ever ran out in front of the car”. But what happened happened. Nothing can change it.

In saying all of this, I am very thankful that I am [no longer] like most religious conservatives. To the religious conservatives, the entire world is a lost cause. All of us sinners are going to Hell (except for the 30 or so that meet in this specific building every Sunday). The rules and regulations to live by to avoid Hell are simply impossible to live by. It is the equivalent of a government with hundreds of thousands of various laws, most of which no citizen really understands (or is even aware of), and many of the rules are so nonsensical that it truly takes a fear of punishment to make one ever even consider abiding by them. You live in constant fear of violating even one of the countless laws, and the government of God will have no mercy on a law-breaker after one dies (which one is never sure of, so this anxiety continues in perpetuity). But the difference between government and God is that, at least to many, an unjust government is possible. But the idea of an unjust GOD is NOT possible to Christians and conservatives.

I am ashamed to admit that I used to BE one of those religious conservatives. My life was anxious and Puritanical seemingly constantly (I was lucky enough to get minor breaks from my own self-torture every now and then). It truly was Hell on Earth. I know you probably won’t believe me, but I was fucking MISERABLE. More miserable that I can describe in this piece (but I discuss it a lot here). But by divine intervention, my life changed completely, and forever. I know how that sounds, because I know how typical conservatives use it. But I can only say that I am being genuine, and it is up to you whether or not you believe me. I understand skepticism. It is warranted (thanks to religious conservatism that I used to be a part of).

It is only by the grace of God that I value my happiness here on Earth. (I understand many will say “Well, I’m not religious, and I value my happiness”, or “But you never would’ve gone through that had you never been introduced to religion in the first place.” I’m not going to debate it here. Agree to disagree? Call me a “dumbass believer” on your own blog?) I may never know why He saved me that Hell, of believing that my suffering somehow created my path to Heaven (thus making me purposefully torture myself psychologically), but I am eternally grateful for it. Clearly, there is a difference between the paradise that Eden was and what happened to the world after the fruit was eaten; a difference between me driving to the beach, and me killing a child with my car accidentally. Me killing a child with the car didn’t create the happiness that I had when I envisioned what the beach was going to be like. Clearly.

I get to experience the goodness of God, without EVER being ABLE to “repay” Him in any way, shape, or form. There is no gift that I can give to the Almighty. I was merely given the gift of eternal life through Christ. And it wasn’t because of anything I did: it was merely because God cares about me.

I think this will, ultimately, be the only thing that keeps me from pulling my hair out when I notice government becoming more and more tyrannical, with, seemingly, not enough people realizing it. I think this will be the only thing to keep me sane if I am unfortunate enough to live through a revolutionary war, or if I am kidnapped by my government. Thankfully, if they kill me, they will have only freed me.

#Calexit (#Brexit, etc.).



There’s never enough alone time
Even when by the self, there are voices
There are voices needed for stimulation
They talk vain words
A momentary distraction
From the work that lies ahead

They foster the imagination
Rev up the dreams

The crash comes in waves
The hopes, and the dreams
There’s never enough alone time

When left alone, one can think bad things
Make mistakes
Unchangeable actions

When one is left alone, the faults magnify
The doubts, multiply

But the people do not satisfy
Their voices ring, echo in the head
There’s no escape from the madness

The boredom seeks them out
And they satiate

But there’s a longing for solitude
Being left alone
With the dreams and the demons

The ringing in the ear grows louder
The self-doubt, past mistakes
They haunt and taunt
They eat alive,
Drive mad

It creates a longing
A longing for success
A longing to make up for past mistakes
Is the proper equipment had?
What is the difference between today and yesteryear?

The faults talk
And torment
You are all alone
No one else can hear the faults

The sword and shield come from within
The drive, the dreams
You’re all alone
Amongst the moat, and the echos

Cursed to an existence
Of communication conflict
So little satisfaction derided from the words of others

The mind, it wanders
Through the millennia
Of today

There are no coping mechanisms
There is no help
It is just you, and your sword and shield

There is no perfection
There is injustice

The war is, ultimately, fought alone
Things must be fixed
Changes must be made
Growth must be experienced

The voices aren’t as deafening
Now, they make more sense
God damn them, they make more sense……

The desire to be alone
And the desire to express

The fears still remain
There are reminders
No matter how much you run
They are here

But so are the dreams

One can be driven mad
When one is alone
Perhaps one desires to be mad……

I think I do

The voices are quieter
When alone

The self-doubts evaporate
Until the time comes

But you are left
And afraid

You finally have
The peace and quiet
To work

And battle your demons

The sea of your mind is unexplored,
Hardened by myths of old, grizzled sailors

The stories, though untrue, still instill fear

The time is now
To set sail
And forget the past

The time is now
To get lost in your mind
In complete silence and isolation

“I Am” poem.

Sitting in Silence.

“What do I see?” poem.

“Conquering the Demons” poem.

The doubters’ greatest weapon (attacking for self-defense against the non-physical (mental, emotional)).

Engineering doubt is the greatest weapon of the one who doubts.




Libertarianism and Capitalism.

Stefan Molyneux – Self-Defense Against Idiots!

Things that I have for sale on Kindle.

Where you can financially support me if you so desire.


Age is a funny thing. It makes us feel things we have never felt before. It clears our head: it gives us a sense of direction. It teaches us lessons that cannot possibly come any other way. It makes us feel more alive in our bodies, because we feel everything more. We think more. We are at peace. We are no longer bothered by things that used to bother us. Even death can’t scare us anymore.

We become a product of our decisions and of the decisions that were made for us. We are no longer angered or worried by the things we were in our younger years. This freedom only comes with age.

Our goals become different and more clear. Our talents more broad and defined. Our raw nature honed: raw nature that was the root of ambition. It has now become an accomplishment: and steady. More perfected. ‘Tis impossible to avoid with age.

We are more confident, and slower to anger, but we maintain a humble passion.

We are no longer driven to prove ourself to the world.

We are merely a part of the world, and we are content with that.

We have had to fight our way through.

The fight was never easy, but we knew what we were doing, even though it was difficult. We wanted to quit, but we couldn’t. Thank God for that. We learned how true other’s words really were. Then we realize that we are old. But we would not trade the troubles of our youth for the peace of old. We are merely different, and ‘tis unavoidable with age. Thank God, or we would crawl back into our mother’s womb.

There are still questions to be asked: much like a child. But our minds are far less chaotic: our paths much more clear, our humility restored, our morals accepted, our drive more fully cherished. No longer is our drive a compulsion, but it is a gift to be enjoyed for ourselves. Hallelujah for that! Dissent be damned.

Oh, dissent. What are you, really?

A subject for another day.

A root of doubt in the mind of the young.

What a pathetic waste you are.

I spit on you honorably, you wretched emotion, you.

Excuses are everywhere: age keeps you grounded.

No longer are you drowning, clinging to parents while they shove you out of the boat, but now, you can swim, and you decide where to go.

You conquer your island, you defend yourself against all tribes, you learn what is important for your survival and what isn’t.

Even your mistakes are fond memories now.

How will you handle the good things?

Perhaps you are not old enough for that yet.

Perhaps you are afraid of your true potential.

That will inevitably vanish with more age as well.

Your friends were right.

Your parents, God forbid, they probably were, too.

But God makes individuals, not homogenous blobs.

Ignore the clichés, but be an individual. It will find you, because God is willing, and then you will find your own way. Age will help you with your successes. Enjoy them, and live. Get older. Never stop getting older.

You will live forever.

Things that I have for sale on Kindle.

Where you can financially support me if you so desire.