Tag Archives: Parents

Men and Women: Another Difference

A very entertaining read. Wait. I mean, this woman is pointing out perceived differences between the biological sexes. I’m triggered.

A Holistic Journey

I deserve flak from my female cohorts. As a young adult, I never got the I-AM-WOMAN-HEAR-ME-ROAR hullabaloo. Why Oprah and devotees, TV shows, and pop culture rattled on about the woman with all the balls up in the air, exhausted in the attempt to satisfy diverse roles. Then I got married.

And became a mother.

The breadth of the tasks in my day-to-day, not to mention the depth, is such that I actually forget a lot of what I do. It is a great much, the littlest things one tends to as a mom.

I tore out a page of our calendar for you. I usually do more lessons, and doctor visits obviously are not a regular affair. But this day was typical in the way it packed one activity right into the next:

Breakfast
Dental checkup 45 minutes away
Lunch
Groceries
Brief playdate
Return: traffic
Martialarts
Math lesson

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“The Grasp”

Introduced in the youth,
As so many demons are;
Stripping away innocence;
Creating emotional scar after scar.

Creating anxieties
Through which no child should have to cope.
Destroying God’s gifts
In the name of creating hope.

How much better it would be
To leave the children alone,
And let the decades naturally flow by,
Marveling at how much they have grown…

But some children are destroyed
Before they even have a chance
By Biblical ideology
That destroys fun, happiness, and romance…

Some people were never born
With a fair shake.
Seemingly, due to the evil actions
Of one particularly devilish snake.

People are dying
Due to mankind’s corruption
;
While men preach of Hell’s inevitable
Horrific, destructive eruption…

There is no hope
In the minds of these men;
In their hearts, or their words,
Desperately lost in sin.

All they can do
Is destroy other’s lives
By consuming with fear
And deceiving with lies.

God bless those who never heard
The damned word of God.
Although it isn’t perfect,
They can probably enjoy each other’s bods.

The grasp seems to never let you go
Once it has hold.
Introduced into your youth,
With you, it grows old…

It doesn’t seem like
It will ever go away.
Regardless of what your Christian friends,
Or even Christ Himself, might say…

It becomes a part of your personality;
A part you most want to revile;
Saddening your heart,
Darkening your smile…

Despite the fact you know there’s more,
You can’t help but lament
At all the time you’ve wasted,
And the futile effort you spent.

There’s a reason you can’t really let go
Of the horrors of your youth.
They affect you for the rest of your life,
And that’s the horrible, sickening truth…

_________________________________________________________________

“The Grip”.

My poetry.

“The Glow”

It is often speculated
If one is born a monster
Or is developed into one

My gut,
For what it’s worth,
Tells me both

But the glow in me
Has dimmed down over the years,
Afraid to show it’s shining face once again

I believe that I was born with the glow
But it was dimmed all too soon

I was cheated of the glow
And I lived in the dark for many, many years
And the darkness
Hardens your heart
And makes you wonder
If you have actually become a monster

So you tell yourself you are a monster
And you do monstrous things
But it doesn’t feel good
It doesn’t feel like YOU
You don’t feel like a monster…

But, there’s still no glow
It is gone
A forgotten memory
A missed chance
A cheated opportunity
Never to be recovered again…

Some may decide to let the depressing darkness engulf them
And rest in it
But I want a different glow

I can never recover the glow lost
But I want to grow a new one
I want to make my OWN glow
Since mine was taken away from me oh so long ago…

But with great glow comes great danger
For the glow could grow too hot, and burn me
And oh, how I HATE to be burned…

But can I continue to let the darkness live forever?
Where is the glow that I so long for?
And who shall be the keeper of my flame?

Will the fire drown me in tears?
Shred my heart into an inescapable chasm?
What does the future hold, besides my heart, and my fate?

The fire glows in response to the glow
Looking to strike it’s vengeful blow
But whoa,
You know it so
The power isn’t worth the everlasting woe

And yet, is it so?
How do you know
If you don’t give it a go?

…I don’t know…

They say you should forgive and forget,
And yet,
They also say a lot of OTHER stupid things…

I guess for me
The key
Is to be
What I wish to be
And see
How I feel after a time

But for now
I suppose I’ll settle
For a rhyme
And a ponderance
And growing my glow
Waiting to show
To who? God only knows…
_________________________________________________________________

Love.

Insightful.

My poetry.

“The Grip”.

I don’t want to mention any names (but I do anyway), and CERTAINLY other people have had it worse than I did, but, nonetheless, there’s some problems here with how I was raised, and with conservative morality, which teaches people to repress their honest emotions with the rationalization that “other people have it worse”. It’s just quite frankly UNLOVING, to be honest with you…

Sometimes, shoddy things just happen.

That’s a lesson that I had to learn early on in life…

Over and over and over again…

Depression, once a seemingly insurmountable obstacle, that I would have to hope and pray would go away, now does not seem as daunting.

Granted, I have not reached that level of darkness that I have frightfully reached in the past…

But thankfully, I’m older, and I understand things better now, and all of that fear and confusion from my youth, which led to a longlasting depression, now are only painful memories instead of a fearful reality.

I suppose that’s the silver lining, although looking back on it, it is still excruciatingly painful…

That isn’t even mentioning the conservatism that followed suit after that…

And then the atheism, and then the assholishness, and then the dark comedy…

I was lashing out against conservatism BAD, and fucking RIGHTLY so…

Also, I STILL don’t know how I got out of that depression…

The depressions that I feel nowadays are, in my opinion, of a different variety, and of different things.

But the events that were occurring during my life as a kid were just far too confusing to comprehend, and, honestly, some of the parental choices that my mother made (which were, quite frankly, dreadful, despite her good intentions), no doubt made me quite emotionally cold, as much as she would hate to read that…

I suppose that’s all part of the past, now, however…

I’ve never really liked to analyze the darkness of my past, but now, it feels more controllable…

That also explains why I’m so forgetful: shitty stuff made me train myself to be forgetful so that I could forget all of the shit my mother did to me (abandonment, a couple of quick, unpredictable strikes to the face for cursing (hypocritical, I might add…), stuff like that), and how she reacted when I confronted her about it (playing the victim), and all of the shit she did for years following that (pretty much abandoning the family for years, then dropping in and trying to be “loving” for a couple of minutes before taking off again), and it explains why our relationship is still semi-strained to this day (well duh…no shit).

It’s dark stuff…

I haven’t really thought about my relationship with my peers back then, but it’s pretty dark as well.

And, I honestly, completely realize now why running away from dark things just doesn’t work.

Here lately, I have been completely accepting my depression, and not running away from it, and have accepted the “flaw” or “brokenness” that I have (as, I guess, I used to think of it), and although, of course, it is depressing, there’s something relieving about not running away from it anymore…

Of course, depression is dark. But it’s REAL. If you have it, running away from it doesn’t work. Conservative moralism doesn’t work (God forbid!). To be honest, I can’t exactly explain what works, but all I know is that from here, I’m going to continue to deconstruct my past, and ignore pretty much every single piece of advice that I’ve ever been given, because I know that it will point me in a more apropos direction for myself…

But now, it makes me wonder about my previous mistakes, and how I can know if any of my decisions are going to pan out or not…

I suppose, that’s the part of age, where you can only discover that for yourself, and through hindsight…

Thank you, movie, for bringing back these blackouts that were previously pains.

I can tell that reliving this pain is going to make me a more effective, competent writer, as I’m not running away from my honest feelings, and not doing what other people tell me to do just because they care about me, when I know that it is the wrong direction for myself…

And perhaps, this is what my loved ones want…

Even though they tried to steer me in a direction that I didn’t want to go (as all parents do to some degree, honestly…), and I know it wasn’t malevolent (although some of the decisions were honestly terrible), I can see that some of their philosophies are counter-intuitive to my personality, and now, I have a more developed sense of rational thought to realize this, an increased vocabulary, and confidence to assert this.

As long as some people don’t try to guilt me into thinking that I don’t love them, all may very well be hunky-dory…

Child.

Kid.

Excerpts from my fiction.

My poetry.

Insightful.

Offend the Fuck Out of People.

My work.

Where you can financially support me if you so desire (T-shirts included; please share all of these links).

I know who you should listen to, and when.

Your parents.

Never.

Funny.

Jokes.

Comedy/miscellaneous videos that I have made that I want you to see.

Where you can financially support me if you so desire (T-shirts included; please share all of these links).

Hey, all of you news watchers:

Why is Netflix offering A YEAR of PAID vacation for parents of newborns?

I’ll give you a hint:

COMPETITION.

News.

Excerpts from “Breaking News: story 2 of the Apocalyptic Series”.

Excerpts from “Fire: story 1 of the Apocalyptic Series”.

Economics.

Voluntarism and Capitalism.

Circumcision.