“Philosophy is pointless.”
Jordan Peterson: “Hold my beer.”
“Philosophy is pointless.”
Jordan Peterson: “Hold my beer.”
I think I’ve finally figured out a good way to describe what exactly it is that I’m looking for out of life. It comes down to one word: “profundity”. I want to be moved. I want nature and life to make me cry. I want to be able to cry in front of someone while looking at something beautiful, and be able to say to them “That’s beautiful.”
I’ve always had this sense, for many years, that something was missing in my life. I couldn’t figure out what it was. I think part of the problem is being surrounded by the perspective of the “average” person: dull, and dumb. Not much to look forward to but the next race or ball game (I’m not talking about family, but just being around people in public, overhearing conversations constantly, coworkers, etc.). That’s not what life is about to me. I think that’s why I’ve been going on these solo drives lately. One, just for new environments. But, arguably even more so, because of self-reflection.
I feel like I’ve been beaten down over the years with constant derision of being an “overthinker“. No one could possibly understand the enjoyment that I get from contemplation. I haven’t known how to speak out against it. Now that I’m older, with more responsibility and freedom, I find myself asking: What do I want my perspective to be? What do I want to think about? Where do I want my mind to be? That’s a very deep question. Going through the motions gets you through the day. But is that all my life is? “Getting through the day”? What’s the point in that? You’re telling me that God created our entire universe, the Earth, and US, for Christ’s sake, just for us to “get through the day”? What kind of ultimate purpose is THAT? A fucking pathetic one.
No, there’s something missing in my life, for sure. So much talk revolves around bills and jobs. Not only politically, but just “small talk”. To be fair, I guess when it occupies as much time and energy as it does, that is inevitable. But am I to take certain inevitabilities as the purpose of my life? If I were to get cancer tomorrow, would I treat that cancer as the purpose of my life? Would I talk about it constantly, and think of nothing else but it? Or would I look for profundity in other things? I think the answer is the latter.
I’m tired of listening to well-meaninged people warning about a “life wasted”. I want to be able to say why I disagree with them. In order to do that, I need to use words. I need to “overthink” about words. I’m tired of playing dumb just to keep some sense of “social peace”. Your inferiority complex shouldn’t be my problem. There’s too much profundity to be concerned with some jackass that feels insecure because your vocabulary is deeper than his.
And that should go for myself as well. I shouldn’t dismiss someone just because they speak better than me. Just learn how to speak better, you fucking retard. Learn new words. Become a better listener. It’s not one of the Ten Commandments: just an improvable life skill.
The ultimate problem is that I’m not allowing myself to get lost in my own head enough. I listen to others a lot so that I can learn things for myself. But speaking up for myself is difficult many times. I don’t really allow myself, often enough, to reflect, and contemplate. This makes those times when I do feel like doing those things all the more special. There’s other factors mentally blocking me from fully dedicating myself to creating things. I’ll have to continue to write about those later, even though I’m sure I’ve already touched on them somewhere.
My head is too full of the words of others instead of what feels like my own independent thoughts. Social anxiety is one reason why I can’t tune others out. The other is that responsibility scares me. The unknown future is scary for all of us often. So we focus on our immediate day, where more things are under our control. But I’ve encountered so many people that say “Where in the hell did my life go?” that it scares me, so I try to think more about the future. And I believe that my future would be better if I allowed myself to get more lost inside of my own head, instead of replaying the words of others in my head constantly and doubting my every desire and decision. That ain’t working anymore. I can’t write like that. Writing requires independent thoughts. I love writing. I need independent thoughts. I need MY words. I don’t want my words to just be “Here’s what someone else told me one time.” What’s MY analysis?
But it’s hard to allow myself to get lost in my head. As I’ve said, it’s just scary to be alone inside of your own head. All of your mistakes come at once. All of your uncertainties. Your worst fears. They come storming at you. It’s easier to close the door of your independent mind and let someone else distract you from yourself. Perhaps some music would help?
Going out on a limb like this, of course, poses its own problems. What if I’m wrong? That’s humiliating. Will I just be able to say “I messed up?” Once again, I think that’s, mainly, just a skill that needs to be learned. It’s one thing to realize the power of humility when you feel like you aren’t making a mistake. It’s another when you realize you have.
Another problem is experience. EVERYTHING is “experience”. But the question should be: what kind of experience? I need more experience with linguisticators. I want to figure out why they burn me out so much. I understand that reading, and listening to good speakers, would help me with my own desire to communicate. But I’m always hesitant to do so. Why? Well, for one, language is separate from the subject. I like focusing on a couple of subjects at a time. But then, I get burned out. So in order to keep reading, and not feeling burnt out on the subject, I’d have to read about another subject. But which one? That’s the problem. Reading something and realizing that I don’t enjoy it. Or just getting tired of it, like eating the same food everyday, except with a book. I need to approach reading differently. Instead of focusing on the subject, I need to focus on the language used. That’s not going to be easy. I’m still going to read subjects that I enjoy, of course. But I also need to be able to analyze the use of language separately from the content of the work. Ok, this work is boring me. But is it written well? If so, why? And then, try to learn how to use language better for myself. Once again, this is just a skill that needs to be learned.
Ultimately, the solution will probably come down to reading writers better than I (shouldn’t be too hard to find). I need to have a certain mindset to be open enough to understand what it is exactly that makes their writing better than mine, and how to use that for myself. I guess the question becomes: how much do I want to do that, exactly? I don’t know how much of it will satisfy me yet. I don’t even know how to approach it, really. I anticipate that if I took the advice of someone else that I’d burn out quickly and then get tired of learning how to get better altogether. I think this is a slow, natural, lifetime process that I can’t fully explain yet. It could be the case that I’m lying to myself, and all of this is for naught. But I think it is the only thing that satisfies my heart, and that matters to me (of course). The challenge is being able to explain WHY I believe that it matters.
Another reason that I find language so difficult is that I’ve always associated good speakers with charlatans. It’s easy to tell if an idiot is “good” or “evil“. It’s much harder when someone speaks well. I was so afraid of being evil (thanks, free will baptism) that I just avoided language like the plague. I realize now how stupid that was. But now begins the task of fixing it. And that’s going to be hard, considering how far behind I am because of my old way of thinking. You may say “You write well now,” but you have no idea how good it can become. I do.
For better or worse, ethics consume most of my thoughts. I think this is an evident combination of genes and environment. Certainly, my religious upbringing and journey has a lot to do with why thoughts of ethics almost consume me. But I know there’s definitely a major genetic component as well. Hypocrisy, especially if I do something “evil”, scares me. I just don’t want to do it. I, like everyone else, am torn between doing good and evil. I have, and will, do both throughout my life. And that bothers the fuck out of me. I guess one might say “The fact that it bothers you proves that you’re a good person.” But I will take no solace in that. The thought of being a hypocrite bothers me. Especially the thought of being a hypocrite on a very famous scale (and I desire “fame” only as a measure of success that I wish to have, so that I don’t get stuck in a life that I resent everyday. Maybe one day I’ll just be “content” like everyone else, but I have goals, and I want them. And that’s all I care about. I know that it takes that type of attitude to succeed, so now, all I need is that success, so that I can hand you the check and say “I told you so.” And if it doesn’t work, who cares? I’ll join you at the factory line and you can tell me about all of the time I’ve wasted, whereas I can say “At least I tried” and make fun of you for NOT trying). I find enjoyment in being critical, and that obviously puts a lot of pressure on me. “Just stop being so critical,” you might say. Criticism, especially humorous criticism, is too much fucking fun. I think it’s worth the anxiety of making a mistake. And, once again, I think that’s another reason why humility is a skill that I desperately need to develop.
And that never-ending war of trying to figure out how to “handle” other people. In a way where the advice of others doesn’t deafen my own independent thoughts. Trying to figure out truth is a lifelong battle: as is dealing with the evil of others. It will continue on forever, as you continue to get older, and, eventually, die. We do good, we do evil, then we think about and talk about the evil of others. Then, we listen to others talk about the evil of still yet others. I’m so fucking exhausted with it all. I want to take part in it, but I’m also fucking sick of it. “Hypocrisy”, I guess you’d say. And here comes the advice. And here’s where Cody has to say “Ignore it, because you want to.” And here’s where Cody hears others complaining that he said he’s going to ignore them. And here’s where Cody needs to tell himself “Just continue ignoring them.” And here’s where Cody hears them saying that “Yes, you need to ignore them.” And here’s where Cody realizes they are “them” so he shouldn’t listen to them. And on, and on, and fucking on. “Just stop”- I can’t- “You think too much”-no I don’t shut up haven’t you read fucking anything I’ve written up to this point? Maybe you realize the problem now.
I can’t wait to just become an old grouch. That’s what my heart ultimately longs for. It flies in the face of all “advice” you’ll hear. But who gives a shit. I’m a grumpy old grouch at heart, goddammit, and that’s what I want to be. So it’s going to fucking stay that way. Get out.
You can’t appreciate profundity when a bunch of stupid blabbermouths don’t see it and won’t shut the fuck up about what they do see.
…Stuff like this makes me wish that either I was older or that I end up dying younger. I can’t take 80 years of thinking like this, and I refuse to think like everyone else. I’m hopeful that this will change as time goes by. But, of course, I want it NOW. I already feel about 90. If I ever do make it to 90, I can’t imagine how I’d feel. That’s scary. Maybe I don’t want to make it to 90. But things do change…
Communication, like everything else, is hard. Regardless of what “natural” abilities you may have, everything gets hard at some point. There’s a reason why talented, say, basketball players practice. Michael Jordan has always been, and will always be, a better basketball player than me. And most. So why did he practice? Well……….what ELSE was he going to do? THAT was a question that he had to ask himself. And he ANSWERED it himself. That’s what I need to do. It doesn’t matter that I’ll (probably) never become the “Michael Jordan” of writing. That is so far removed from the point that that thought shouldn’t have even entered your head. The point is what do I want my writing and thoughts to be, and what do I want to do with them?
And that produces a fine line. Writing involves organization, knowing when to lengthen a piece, and knowing when to cut one off. My default position has just been to cut everything off short (because it’s easier). But something has been missing. I knew this day would come eventually, so I have never stressed about today not being around yesterday. But the day has come where I’m no longer satisfied with cutting things off prematurely. I’ve said stuff like this a million times, but it continues to be true. The process of writing is constant. I’ll probably say, throughout my entire life, that “I need to learn how to edit.” It doesn’t matter how much better I get from one year to the next, I anticipate that I’ll still say “I need to learn how to edit.” Why? Well, this is where the “Michael Jordan” analogy comes into play. What in the fuck ELSE am I going to do with my writing? If I don’t do that, but I want to write, the writing is just going to be “WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD WORD”. What’s the point in reading that? There IS none. Michael Jordan won a championship and an MVP one year. Why did he play the next year? It’s all about an attitude, and what one wants to do. I don’t care if I never win a writing MVP, or whatever. I don’t care if I’m not ranked among the 100,000 best writers ever. The point is that I want to write, and what attitude am I going to have while I do so? I pity those that don’t understand what I’m talking about. They’re kind of idiots.
I hope I don’t burn out too quickly. This has been a lifetime coming, but, ultimately, I think everything is. Everything has been leading up to everything. That’s unavoidable. But being able to explain that in certain ways is a skill that I wish to develop. One of the skills that I wish to develop.
I also need to work on the fact that even if someone’s advice doesn’t help me, at least they want to. I can ignore it, but at least I can say “Well, they’re trying to help, even if they aren’t.” At least give them that credit. And then, get back to my alone time as quickly as possible. I’m sure they’ll understand. At least, if I’ve explained myself well enough, they will. I think my main frustration with advice is that I haven’t been able to effectively speak for myself. That’s a pattern that I continue to notice. I’ve never been happy with my ability to speak for myself, and it’s something I’ve worked on for many, many years. And I have a long fucking way to go. It’s all a complicated weave that I have in my head that I want to be able to elaborate. And it’s exasperating. And it just keeps building more and more and more. It’s hard to handle, but this is the best time in my life to handle it financially. I can’t afford to waste this opportunity. I want all of my ideas to come fast, and just get them all done as rapidly as possible. But they need to mature to maintain a quality that I’m happy with. It’s not about writing a bestseller, it’s just about writing good stuff, goddammit. My heart has always hurt when inspiration has hit me and I couldn’t write because I was at work, or had to go to school the next day. Staying up for hours later than I should just because “It hit me.” Feeling frustrated because I had other responsibilities that kept me from writing. So much of that has changed. This is the time that I’ve been desperate for my whole life. SO WHY IN THE FUCK WOULD I EVER STRUGGLE TO WRITE?????????? Write NOW, dammit!!! In truth, there’s still stuff to figure out, as there always has been. But this is, more than likely, the best time I will EVER HAVE to create. EVER. I’ll have more free time now than I’ve ever had. That pressure is terrifying. But if I get in too much of a hurry, the work sucks. And I need to absorb more before I can regurgitate more. I haven’t been happy with much of my writing for a long time now, and it’s mainly because I just didn’t have enough within me to get it done the way I wanted to get done. There’s too much for me to elaborate on here, but I want to do it eventually. All of my work is a tangled weave of my life. It all connects, in the grand scheme of things. I’m a “mad scientist”. It’s a delicate balance. I guess I’ll just have to hope that I don’t see it all as a mistake down the road, and figure out exactly what I’m going to do today, and how.
Technical ability to improve quality (of things like video) is a skill I need to learn without burning myself out trying to do so. Software, camera work, lighting. No, I don’t need to go to school for it. I’ll experiment with it myself eventually. But I need a better outlook of completing good work. A – you guessed it – philosophical approach to quality and effort. I know that probably sounds weird to you. But I want to be able to explain what I mean eventually. I want to be able to explain everything. How I write, etc.
I need to hurry up and get better so I can churn out more stuff, and keep improving it. The gaps in time between my writings are far too fucking long for my taste. But I can’t just type “BLAH BLAH BLAH” and say I’ve written something. It just takes a lot of time. Everything does. And then, I’ll get old and say “Holy fuck. Where did the time go?”
I still have a lot of things that I want to say about the past. About writing. I want to be able to explain what is going on inside of my head. If that doesn’t interest you, that’s fine. If it enrages you, I find that humorous. If it inspires you, that’s terrifying. But the ultimate point is that I want to be lost inside of my own head to find some peace in this world. That’s mainly what I care about at the moment. That, and just learning how to do everything better, such as my attitude and “dealing with” other people. And editing, and organizing, etc.
So that’s what I’m working on, I guess. Lmfao (When to work? When to break? When to write? When to listen to music? Who to listen to? Who to ignore? WHEN WHEN WHEN? It never ends).
The hardest part about all of this is having known, for a long time, that all of this was going to happen (or at least significant parts of it), but having it not happen. Realizing “Yep, this is definitely a waiting game.” As my favorite childhood musician once said, “The waiting is the hardest part.”
The problem that I always have with saying something is “What am I trying to say?” Well, in this piece, I want to discuss “other people” (“other” simply meaning people that aren’t myself). What do I want to discuss about them? And why do I want to discuss “other people”? What types of “other people” am I talking about? For surely there are a great number of varieties of “other people”. Let me try to elaborate further on what I want to say without addressing the questions that I just proposed that I know will follow as a result of what I’ve written thus far.
I like to write about topics that I think about. And I think about other people; namely, how to avoid them. Why they anger me, deject me, etc. I know I’m not alone in thinking that there are, compared to the total number of people that exist or have existed, a small number of people that have a positive influence on me. We all just “exist”. And we all do a great variety of things. It is impossible for me to begin to categorize “human action”. But it is evident that there exist people whom are more “influential” than others, with “influential”, in depth, meaning a variety of things.
I suppose at some point I will discuss those people whom have had a great influence in my life. But, for the moment, I’d rather discuss people that I don’t particularly care for: people that I wish I could avoid, or that I wish I never knew existed. There are a great many of these people around. I know there will be foolish readers, ready to pounce on me for saying this, who will say that I’m some sort of monster, and that I plan on killing these people to rid them from the Earth. Those type of hyperbolic idiots are some of the people that I’m referring to hating and wanting to ignore. People who put words in my mouth, and motivations in my heart. People who are ignorant in areas that I feel less ignorant in. People who feel very proud in pointing out the flaws in others.
…Wait a second. Am I not talking about myself?
Yes, I am.
Just because I do something that I despise in others does not mean I need to like the others who do these things. I am perfectly content with people not liking me for the same reason. There are a lot of problems that I have with other people: one of them being not being able to see the logic of hating someone who does what you do. The common line goes something like “Well you do what you hate in them, so aren’t you a hypocrite?” Yes, I am. Just because I do something, does that, ipso facto, mean that I need to like that in others? For example, what if I am a competitive athlete? Clearly, I want to win. If I want to win, I have to prevent you from winning. So if I want to win, I have to want you to lose. Clearly that’s hypocritical on my part. But is that a problem?
Also, I would argue that if I do something you hate, and you do that very thing and hate the fact that I do it, then that is “socially acceptable” from this standpoint: I have a problem with “peace and love” philosophies. My problem with them is their unrealistic nature. I don’t have a problem with desiring for people to all get along in peace and harmony. But I have a problem with attempts to make this a perfect absolute that doesn’t accept natural humanity: a humanity which includes the fact that everyone just has certain personality traits that they just dislike in others. There’s nothing wrong with disliking certain personality traits in others. That’s part of being human; or, to be more exact, it’s not an unacceptable part of being human. It is an immutable reality that should be accepted, instead of attempting to make it disappear with attempts at “perfect peace and harmony” by saying things like “Just change how you are”, “Just turn that frown upside down”, and other vague shit that no sane person can actually do as intended when they are stated. To suggest that I should like an introvert and extrovert equally just because they are both expressing their natural selves (or just because they are “human”, or because of my own personal flaws) is preposterous. Clearly, there are ethical lines that need to be drawn. I should be punished if I act upon individuals in certain ways for certain reasons. If I kill an extrovert simply for being an extrovert, surely I should be punished. But expecting a “happy” attitude from me on “humanitarian” grounds is extremely inhuman. To be human is to experience emotions, and these emotions are not simply “happiness”. Now, I’m not saying that everything “human” is humane. The desire to kill is human insofar as the desire actually exists within at least some humans. But I’m merely saying that an expectation of perfect happiness is inhumane: humans will experience anger, sadness, and a litany of other emotions that render any attempts at “perfect happiness” absolutely futile and destructive to one’s well-being. There’s nothing wrong with the human emotions of anger, sadness, etc. There are extremes, but this “happiness philosophy” that seems prevalent, whereby some type of “perfect happiness” is achievable, or at least should be worked towards, is, quite simply, naive. Not only that, but it is actually destructive. For when you attempt to achieve the impossible, you can only ruin your sense of happiness. So the more you strive for perfect peace and harmony in the name of happiness, the more unhappy you become.
Now, I will say that a desire towards happiness is reasonable. In fact, I think a desire towards happiness motivates all of our actions. I’ll write about that subject in full detail in another piece, however. But the point is that even though I believe that all action is an attempt towards achieving happiness, the idea of absolute or perfect happiness is what I have a problem with. I have a problem with the idea that any “negative” emotions should not be experienced, and one just needs to, somehow (“willpower”, or something) “put a smile on one’s face”. The moralistic phrases are incredibly vain, as they always are. There’s a reason that it seems as if there’s more depressed smart people than depressed dumb people (or, at least, why the stereotype seems to exist (and stereotypes exist for a reason: they typically aren’t created completely unjustified)). Perhaps there’s not really any “evidence” for that observation, but it seems true, nonetheless.
I don’t understand why things like this never seem to be discussed (perhaps I’m just not looking hard enough in the right places. But the opposing view of “avoiding being critical” seems so loud as to almost be unavoidable). Once again, I accept the fact that peace and harmony are socially desirable. I appreciate attempts to bring them about. But what is missing from these perspectives? In my opinion, in addition to what I’ve already said up to this point, it also comes down to an ignorance of individualism within said humans. What am I getting at here? What exactly is it that I’m wanting? I suppose that, for one, I’m saying that a critique against critique is often unjustified, in my opinion. When someone is critical of something, it seems as if many people will say “Why are you so critical? Why can’t you just be happy?” For one, they never consider that the critique actually makes the critiquing individual happy. It is just assumed that critique should be avoided, for some type of “social acceptance” and “peace and harmony” and whatnot. That’s simply ignorant. Peace and harmony and social acceptance can only exist when individual wills are exercised. There’s no social peace among individuals if the individuals cannot express their individuality.
Now, aren’t those who I am critiquing doing just what I said: expressing their individuality? Yes, they are. But so are rapists. The point is that certain individualistic expressions are deserving of critique, whether or not they have a right to express their individualistic nature without punishment. Critique should not be vilified simply because it is critique. Critique exists for reasons. Clearly, it is up to the critic to present these reasons. But vilifying critique simply because it is critique is awfully fucking stupid. But it has seemed to be prevalent to me for quite some time now. And, obviously, I do not desire for stupid things to be popular (well…I suppose that I’d like to be popular, but I digress).
I can accept the fact that there exist people whom have much less of a propensity for critiquing than others. There are many people much more willing to uncritically accept what is in front of them. That’s fine. But, in my opinion, there does not seem to be enough people willing to defend criticism and critical people. There’s an attempt towards homogenization that is undesirable. There are some very popular exceptions to the rule, such as I Hate Everything. I admire people such as himself who are willing to be highly critical in the face of so much “negative Nancy” talk. I think he handles himself quite well. Interestingly enough, I think there are currently types of critiques that are, quite frankly, just stupid. Without getting into much detail, I’ll merely say that they are typically of the feminist or racial varieties, and leave it at that. Topics for future pieces.
I’m not saying that every critique should be accepted. I’m not saying that all critiques are justified. But I’m merely stating that I see a trend where anytime someone is critical, that person is jumped on by others for being a “negative Nancy”, or some other stupid shit phrase like that. I interpret that to be ignorance from blind people willing to accept whatever is given to them, although I know there are exceptions to that within those who, too often, in my opinion, decry “negative Nancy”.
What about criticisms levied against me? I’m not oblivious to the fact that certain criticisms against me are justified. There’s always justified and unjustified criticisms against everyone. But what is the point of me saying that? The point is that individual wills will be exercised, and that’s the way it should be, regardless of who gets along and who doesn’t; who is more critical than others; who is criticized more than others, etc. I’m not saying that all actions from human will are good. But the point is that humans exercise wills, and that’s how it should be; this includes people who are critical, and people who are critical of those who are critical (which is hypocritical). Criticism is not an aspect of humanity that needs “fixing” to a point where “tolerance” or “acceptance” completely take its place. That’s ludicrous. Criticism is a very important, beneficial social mechanism, and I’m merely trying to defend its existence.
But wait a second: I’m critiquing those who are critical of those who are too critical? Does that mean that I’m one of the very people I’m critiquing for being too critical of the critical? In other words, let’s say B is widely accepted as being a “very critical” person. A critiques B for being too critical. Then I come along and critique A for being too critical of B. Aren’t A and myself the same? Are we not both “critics”, just as much as B is, with the only difference being who is criticized for what reason? Yes. The phrase “everyone’s a critic” comes to mind. A critic is criticized for being critical, then the 2nd critic is criticized by a 3rd for being critical of the 1st critic. It’s all quite silly in the long run. But yet, I don’t think there should be some massive attempt to get rid of it all; particularly, if that’s some “peace and harmony” nonsense in which individual wills are to be subjected to some false ideas about humanity. Acceptance of imperfection is a much healthier perspective to have than to somehow mold everyone into perfect moral beings; especially when you compare different types of “immorality” (such as critical hypocrisy and murder). The point being that, clearly, there are differences between “human imperfections” and what retaliations should occur as results of these various “human imperfections”. However, regardless of the scale of the imperfection, attempts at perfection will always fail. There are realistic, humanitarian ways to handle imperfections (imperfections that exist on a scale). There are simply countless flaws within us that cannot be “fixed”; they simply must be accepted as undesirable realities.
I personally have an affinity for critical people. I enjoy them. They are very rare, it seems. I admire their honesty and bravery in speaking out when they know of the shitstorm they are going to receive because of what they say. Once again, I understand “the shitstorm” is a part of speaking out. But many people alter their words from what they truly believe when a lot of people are listening to them. It appears to me that many critics do not give in to this social pressure, and I greatly admire and respect that from them.
What other types of people would I like to be critical of? I suppose there’s not really any other “group” I would like to criticize, but, rather, I wish to, as I said earlier, just avoid people in general. There are obviously exceptions to this rule. There are obviously people that I enjoy reading, listening to, etc. But the rate of “people that I desire to listen to” compared to “people I desire to ignore” sways heavily towards the ignore side. I know there are many people out there who are like me in that regard, but I’m tempted to say that a majority exists where the “desire to listen to” outweighs the “desire to ignore”, if only to maintain my “me vs. the world” mentality.
I believe that it would be too difficult for me to specify which types of people that I wish to ignore. Obviously, I wish to ignore politicians and media members that lie. I wish to ignore people stuck in never-ending debates about race. I wish to ignore Statist economists. I wish to ignore a great many people, if not the majority of them.
I am perfectly content in being alone. As I said, of course there will be people that I enjoy listening to, reading, etc. But, for the most part, I desire to be alone as much as possible. I can never have enough alone time. I hope to remedy that some point in the future by finally figuring out how to achieve the appropriate amount of “alone” time. I think a successful internet career would do the trick (as long as I was never recognized in public). The only exception to my “alone time” rule is entertainment from others, such as music. Even the introvert needs some form of social stimulation.
What is my point of writing this? Am I looking for people to say “I agree with you”? Am I looking for critique? I’m merely looking to express myself. I don’t know what I’m looking for from you, the reader. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand that at this point (except for, of course, money). We all desire to express ourselves, whether we are accepted or rejected for what we express.
All I can conclude for sure is that I desire to be alone more so than I desire to be around others, I reject the seemingly-common “anti-critic” society in which I live, and I wish to express this as I did in this piece.
Simply, I suppose that’s all this piece meagerly achieved.
(There may be a critique levied against me that I’m unfairly grouping “people” into one homogenous unit. However, from experience, I have found that my feelings around many people are so similar that, for the purposes of this piece, it works).
Above all else, I simply desire to be alone. My dream is to make a living through the internet, with that being my only source of human interaction. My desire is to ignore the mundane conversations that occur in the workplace. The best way I can think of to avoid these is to make a living online. Easier said than done, of course. But this is my lofty goal. I don’t want anything to supersede this goal. At what point will I have “failed” in this goal? Either when I give up or when I die. That’s my timeline. Obviously, I’d rather succeed sooner rather than later. Today rather than tomorrow. But I’m not going to stop writing or doing comedy just because I don’t make a certain amount of money this year or the next. It may influence how much I do these things, depending on what time requirements there are from my job. But I don’t think that my desires to write and be funny are going to disappear just because of a lack of financial success. And if my desires to write and be funny aren’t going to disappear, I don’t see why my desire to make a living from them should disappear, either, regardless of how unrealistic that desire may be.
I do not wish to listen to those who tell me how difficult it will be, that I’m wasting my time, etc.
As I said, I greatly desire to be by myself, away from “other people”. I find most conversations insufferable. Petty, trivial, and stupid. Or I find that the listener doesn’t understand what I’m saying, and I don’t wish to explain, for example, a paper like this in casual conversation when someone asks “What do you mean?” I’d rather ignore the person and write the paper. Or the person actually does understand what I’m saying, but I don’t want to be involved in the conversation. That’s happened plenty of times as well. Writing helps you say what you want to say without people interrupting you. It helps you flesh out all of your thoughts, if you put in the time and effort to do so. And I don’t particularly care if people don’t understand my work. It’s frustrating, but I’m not willing to speak it instead to have people able to interrupt me and ask me questions. I do not desire to elaborate simply for the sake of understanding on the part of the listener. It bores the shit out of me, and does nothing for me. At least for the most part, based on past experience. At least understand what the fuck I’m saying. That’s basically all that I ask of you. And to leave me alone.
Maybe I’ll be able to elaborate more on “other people” at a later date.
Let me attempt to coherently tack on one more string of thoughts here. What is it that our wills should do? How do we know what our wills should do? Are there some courses of action that we “should” take above others? If so, by what criteria do we judge these actions in the hierarchy? I’m sure many responses will be of a religious variety, which I will have to write about at a later date.
There’s never a perfect course of action. Who to listen to, who to ignore, and what to do: all of these things and more I’ll have to figure out for myself in my own way. The choices are overwhelming. All the more reason to work to achieve my “alone” bubble that I so desperately long for……
How many times can you hear the same things over and over and over, for years, in “conversation” before you start to lose your mind?
Are people so forgetful that they need to have the same pieces of information repeated to them over and over and over again?
Is this why they watch the news as well?
Are the same people that call people “smartypants” so insecure that they feel the need to condemn such “prideful” traits as paying attention and a desire to learn novel things, instead of repeating the same basic facts over and over and over again?
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Slowly descending into a self-imposed madness......
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