This is a really good talk. But it’s also Jordan Peterson, so that’s no surprise.
As so eloquently stated by Mises (and elaborated by Rothbard), human beings use means to achieve ends. This is known as “praxeology”. I decided to embark on writing this as, not too long ago, I was sitting and thinking about what I was doing. Now what exactly was it that I was doing? Good question. I was thinking about stuff that I do: namely, writing and making Youtube videos. I decided to do these things in an attempt to make a career that I thought I would actually enjoy. It is my life’s mission to have a job that I actually like, and not one that I hate, but need. I’ve written before about how I came to have this “philosophy” for myself.
But I sat and thought about writing, and Youtube: specifically, how unknown I am in these regards. Although I’ve, most of the time, been optimistic about my ability to succeed in my “ultimate endeavor”, on this occasion, I was not. I thought about the work that I had done, and how unknown it was. And thought about continuing to put even more fervor into my work to get things done, only to have the work continue to remain unknown. Perhaps I’m just an “immature adult” that needs to “grow up”. But, deep down, I have been convinced that I can succeed. I looked at the current level of my “success”, and was dejected. Knowing how much more work I wanted to create, and my vision of where I could take it financially, felt destroyed. I felt like I had to find something else to do. I felt like I finally need to factor in money more so than the enjoyment of the labor.
Perhaps you find that funny. I’m not going to go into detail about my current financial state. But, as I have said, my main goal is to find a career that I actually enjoy. And, currently, writing and Youtube are the only things that I can realistically (go ahead and laugh) think of. The only things that I think I can work towards that will make me happy. Any time that I’ve tried to come up with an “alternative” (specifically “realistic” ones), I have not been happy. You may say that it doesn’t matter if I’m happy or not, but I have, and will continue, to address my philosophy about “happiness”.
I’ve written about my laziness before. And, clearly, that contributes to my lack of financial success in some way. But, perhaps it’s because of my youth, and the natural “rebelliousness” that comes with it, I’m not satisfied to only dream of financial success at my current “dream careers”. Nay, I also desire to, in almost every way possible, succeed in every way that should be “impossible” to succeed in. What do I mean? Well, for one, my Youtube thumbnails. I enjoy the atrocious thumbnails that I make in Microsoft Paint. The thumbnails that literally anyone could make better than me. All across Youtube, there are professional thumbnails that are pleasing to the eye. And I don’t dislike that. But, perhaps due to my “youthful contrarianness”, I can’t help but “prove to the world” that I can succeed without those “professional” thumbnails. Trivial and childish? Perhaps. And, once again, perhaps it is because of my youth, my youthful ignorance, or my ignorance. But that is also included in my “career goals”: not only proving that I can turn what I enjoy doing into a career, but that I can also do it “unprofessionally”.
The final, and much more difficult aspect of this, is, admittedly, insane. The final “contrarian” point is that I want to purposefully make people dislike me in order to make people like me. This one is much harder for me to reconcile (obviously). What do I mean? Well, I have found (as has everyone), that throughout the course of my life, I have made people feel anger, discomfort, or other negative emotions, simply by the way that I naturally wanted to be. What do I mean? Well, my sense of humor, for one. It’s very dark, perverted, profane, etc. I have experienced that it makes many people uncomfortable, and, after I started putting it on the internet, that it makes people angry. And I’ve honestly started to fuel off of these things. I think it is because if I wish to express what I naturally desire to express, then I have to fuel off of these things. I can either adapt, shut up, ignore, or use that for motivation, and because my desire to express myself honestly is so strong, I choose to fuel. It isn’t enough for me to just ignore people’s anger and discomfort. I want to magnify it. I don’t believe this is out of sadism. It is about me speaking honestly, freely, and confidently. It is my overpowering desire to not be silenced. My desire to speak is stronger than my care for the feelings of others (to a certain extent, of course). The thought of proving people wrong, succeeding in a way that no one thought possible, motivates me. It’s what drives me to continue. My love of the work is the strongest reason why I create the work. But my desire to sell the work stems from, obviously, the desire for financial security, but also just because I’m told I can’t. The typical immature, childish reason to do anything in this world. When I developed this belief (thanks to how I was raised), I listened to successful person after successful person, and tried to find something within myself that I felt like connected me to them. And a big thing that I related to was that all of them told of how they were always told that they’d never succeed. That right there clicked with me. “Hey, me too! I can succeed, too!” That was pretty much my only reason for feeling like I could relate to these successful people. It wasn’t because I believed I was particularly talented. Just that I was told that I’d never succeed in finding a “dream job”.
Perhaps, one day I’ll finally accept one (or more) of the, I’m sure, many reasons that people finally “grow up”. But I’m on a mission to find out everything for myself, regardless of the scale of the negative consequences that I may experience because of my choices.
Of course, I don’t really know how to convince anyone that I can do this. The work speaks for itself, and do I truly believe that my work as it stands is enough for success? No, I don’t. It’s a starting point, but there’s a Hell of long way to go. But I believe that I can do it. You can’t arrive at a destination without steps, and I believe that articles like this, and the work that I’ve done up to this point, are steps (it remains to be seen just exactly how big these “steps” will truly be in retrospect).
I’ve already written about how I believe my writing stacks up with “the best”, and you can read that here. I’ve also written about how I feel about my writing, and how I can get better. I’ve written a little bit about why I write, but I believe I could elaborate on that further; and I’ve also written about selling writing, but I will write more about that as well.
I’m currently at the stage where I realize how important my mental independence really is. I’m starting to realize how important my choices are, and that I have control (to what degree, I don’t know). I don’t need to be told what to write, or how, or when. I’m in control of all of that. Even if I suck, I’m in control. And it’s just going to take time and experience to figure out what I’m going to be taking, where I’m going to take it, and how I’m going to get it there (and why is important to know as well). It’s a slow process, but I’m thankful I don’t have a formal “teacher” distracting me from my own personal literary journey (no canon!)
I am beginning to understand that literature is a slow process; especially for me. I can’t explain why I want to write when I do, or what makes me want to write about something. But I can tell that, whatever it is I’m ultimately doing, it is a long process. There’s a lot of quitting involved. A seemingly infinite number of baby steps. There’s a method to the madness. The more mad, the better, in my opinion. Deep down, I think I know that time makes things better. The brain ages, and gets better at things, before it gets worse at things. It’s very odd. It seems out of my control. When I was younger, I remember trying so hard to do so many different things, and failing spectacularly. I was frequently discouraged, and reached many breaking points. Developed coping mechanisms that I thought I would continue for the rest of my life. But, eventually, the coping mechanisms became problems themselves, and I had to hope and pray that things changed. I finally just got better at stuff. I have no idea how: I just fucking did. And I know writing will be no different. I can already tell, as I read stuff that I started writing several years ago, just how bad it was. What has changed over those years? I honestly don’t know. I don’t feel like I’ve written enough to say that practice helped me get better. All I can say, similarly to the past, is that divine intervention just changed some things, thankfully. I have big dreams in my head, but I know it is going to take painfully slow steps to get there. But the good thing is that once they are taken, there’s no need to backtrack. The work you put in will make you feel good when you get to where you are going. But you need stops along the way, even if they are frequent and lengthy. I think breaks are just as important when working on something as the “working” on it is. They shouldn’t be avoided.
I need to learn to love the process. The struggles, although annoying, are important. It makes the task at hand more fun. Looking at a vision of the future, and all of the obstacles that stand in the way of that completed vision, are very interesting. They make the journey more fun. They just give you something to do with life, and that is very important. It’s the difference between living and feeling alive.
I don’t know when or how I’m going to get better at writing. I can tell that this is a huge challenge. I’m sure that, the more I get involved, the more of the iceberg is going to show. But, hopefully by that point, I will be prepared enough to do with the iceberg whatever the fuck it is that I intend to do with it. But the point is that I want the iceberg, and I want to see what happens as a result of it.
It’s quite humorous to think, just a few short years ago, that I thought I was a “good” writer. Now, those “good” writings are just godawful. Now, today’s writings feel good. I’m encouraged that, in the future, these words will be horrible, and I’ll have beautiful words to replace these with. It makes the journey worthwhile, even if it is hard to figure out what the first steps should be. And, of course, even if, many times, I wish to just stay at home and watch T.V. instead of traversing the tough terrain of the tundra looking for the tip of that iceberg poking through the membrane film of my mind.
Reading is a struggle as well. There’s so much to read. The brain has finite energy. “Exhaustion” is the name of the game for everyone. Writers and readers are no exception.
There’s a fine line between fate and will. I’m constantly balancing between the two. Action leads to failure. But it also leads to success. It leads to exhaustion. But it leads to purpose. It leads to bad work. But it leads to good work.
I’m just one small writer in this world. In the past, I thought I could be one of the best. Now, I don’t care as much. Just one of those weird differences that just happen with time. It’s just hard to explain. Experience. Biological growth. It’s just destiny. It’s just weird. The shitty writing of today will be funny in the future. And the future writing will have to be better, because that’s what happens when you put time and effort into something. Usain Bolt once crawled. We all just want to be retired gold medalists as soon as possible.
My mind has visions, and it’s a slow process. There’s no way around this. This is “just how it is.” But I long for the days when it’s all better than it is today. As much as I hate bringing up my age, I can “hang my hat” on the fact that I’m young, and if I live long enough, will be writing for a long time. That has to bear some fruits of quality somehow.
There’s a certain craziness I wish to unleash to the world. It’s frustrating to dream when your dreams aren’t completed. It’s hard to continue when it is so daunting; when you’re as bad at doing what you want to do as I am. The process is a slow drip; but time creates the erosion. Drips make a significant impact over time. If you stare at each drip, the process takes even longer. You can’t be an observer to your own drips. You just have to drip, and then, one day, someone else will bring the erosion to your attention, and you’ll say “Holy shit. Those drips actually fucking did something.” I can’t wait for that day to come, but the problem will be that day is only going to come after a lot of things go (such as my legs, memory, etc.). Of course, I can’t forget my lunch breaks (and I love to eat).
Of course, I want to marvel at the works of others. Learn from them; be inspired by them. In some ways, that means turning off the faucet. But, ultimately, it helps the goal. It slows down the process. Gives the process more steps. But, ultimately, it helps the process. It’s all part of the complicated process. Before you know it, there will be another change, and you’ll be better than you were before. At least, you will be if you don’t stop dripping.
As frustrated as I get at the amount of times I “quit” (or take a break); as frustrated as I get, I can tell when I’m dripping. I can tell when the faucet gets turned on a little bit more. I can see progress. It makes sense that the more you do something, the better you will get at it. But when you start, and you suck, it’s hard to see where, when, and how that progression is going to come.
I can see all of the visions in my head. But they can’t be done instantaneously. They can only be done with effort and experience, and only over a period of time. I’m finally able to accept that, instead of being frustrated at my inability to create good pieces of art instantaneously and just making the entire process harder on myself. I can only say the difference is experience and biology.
I literally have nothing to lose by having an optimistic attitude about my work. I wish more people would adopt that attitude for themselves (but mainly just so they’d leave me alone).
Even if I don’t succeed, the mental stimulation and spiritual satisfaction provided towards working on this goal, I truly believe, cannot be fulfilled by anything else. I don’t desire to have kids, so raising a child would not provide me with this level of fulfillment. I don’t believe any career other than the ones that I desire could. “Well, have you tried?”, you may ask. No, I haven’t. And I don’t plan to. All I plan to do is write and make people laugh at me. That’s it. That’s the challenge: getting paid to do these things. I can’t think of anything more fulfilling than trying to make this happen, and I truly don’t want to find anything “more fulfilling” than this. Aside from my lack of financial success, this is already perfect for me.
There are always voices of doubt in my head. Many of them are related to voices I have heard in the past. But there are other voices that silence them, if only momentarily. And it is during those moments that the dripping begins. I’m in this for the long haul. My love for writing is never going to leave me. This means that I am going to be doing it for life, and, as such, it will have to improve. That’s encouraging, whatever my struggles are. And, currently, those struggles are pretty significant. Small steps. Drips.
I need to work harder on developing my own voice. I want my voice to drown out the voices of all others. “You’re going to drown!”, they yell from the shore. “You’re crazy! Why don’t you pick a different hobby? You’re wasting your time!” Do I want to listen to them? No, I don’t. I just want to write. I just want to make people laugh at me. And I want to make money. These are all I care about. No amount of “advice” is going to change this. All my eggs may be in one basket, but I’m imaginative enough to see the Easter Bunny in my head. And I like that thought.
And as far as how I fit in with “the market” in the long term, although you may say that my prospects are bleak, I’m going to hold out hope, if only because I feel like I, realistically, have no other purpose. Or, perhaps less “drastically”, that I don’t want any other purpose. Feel free to equate me with a child having a temper tantrum; I’d rather be a dreamer than a miserable “adult”. I’ll take that any day of the week, even if I get strange looks as I frolic with the Easter Bunny.
Another day of pondering the political future. Another day of wondering how much longer the freedoms will last.
Another day of very little reading. Another day of disappointment. Another day of comparisons. Another day of longing.
Another day of exhaustion. Another day of lethargy. Another day of uncertainty. Another day wasted.
Another mundane day. Another routine day. Another hopeless day. Another day with a limited mind. Another day with stupid.
Another day with junk food. Another day with hypochondria. Another day of apathy. Another day of worry.
Another day with uncertainty. Another day with boredom. Another day with uncertainty. Another day with repetition.
Despite the fact that, as a writer, I wish that I spent most of my “writing” time actually physically writing, the truth is that, as I am painfully learning, that a large percentage of a writer’s time is sitting in silence, thinking. In some ways, this has always made me feel very uncomfortable. Uneasy. Although we all spend all of our time thinking about something, the truth is that, of course, there is clearly a difference when it comes to writing. Thinking about what I am going to eat for the day doesn’t take as much “effort” as thinking about a piece of fiction or non-fiction. Thank God, for if it did, I would probably starve to death.
I don’t have a lot of patience. I have a sense of urgency to always be working on something. If I’m going to succeed, I need to work now. In my head, I know that thinking about my work is a large part of my work, an essential part, but I don’t feel productive when I just sit and think. I can tell that my writing has suffered as a result. Too often, particularly with fiction (as coherency in non-fiction is easier for me), I write something just to get something down; finished. Even if it doesn’t make any sense.
As I sit here, I realize that anxiety has a lot to do with my disdain for just “sitting and thinking”, even though “sitting and thinking” is extremely necessary for writing. I love writing, perhaps more than anything in the world (I try to refrain from speaking in absolutes regarding my feelings if only because I don’t want to delve into my feelings so deeply as to give an absolute answer to someone else. Why should it matter to me that I let someone know my absolute feelings about certain things, such as whether there’s anything I love more than writing? I don’t really think that question is important enough to answer, so I answer rather ambiguously). I write the “easy” stuff to keep me from sitting and thinking too long. There is a lack of confidence on my part to speak out honestly. I’ve worked hard at changing this for the past several years, but there has been a reluctance on my part for a lot of my life to speak honestly. People think you’re weird when you speak out. Stupid. Sometimes, it’s more peaceful to just keep your mouth shut, even if the internal turmoil is great.
Thankfully, due to what I can only describe as brain chemistry, the anxieties of social judgment are fading. I think it will be the greatest thing to happen to me when it feels as if it has “completed”. Is “over”. I am confident and hopeful that that day will occur in full in the future. Peace, Heaven, and tranquility on Earth. I have practiced “speaking out” for several years now. Depending on what I’m writing, this is easy (the obviously extreme stuff, like very offensive jokes, violent fictional characters, etc. are easy). A lot of of more honest personal feelings are quite easy. But there’s still an anxiety to write at the detriment of sitting and thinking, so that the writing suffers as a result. The anxiety is often about “right and wrong”. Every thought has had to be measured against “right and wrong”. “Right and wrong” become your new thoughts. Everything is either right or wrong. If you aren’t thinking about right and wrong, then you are wrong. Is that fictional story idea you have right or wrong? Right or wrong, right or wrong, right or wrong. It pains me to remember this fact; or, rather, to realize it for the first time. Or, rather still, realizing for the first time that this is a problem. A huge fucking problem. Gargantuan. Destructive. Terrible. Never being able to admit that you fucking hate that way of thinking, but telling yourself you loved it, as if trying to keep up a facade to God, that you loved His “holy blessing” (as, clearly, choosing “right” from “wrong” was a blessing). A part of me hopes that I don’t piss any of you, the readers, off. But a part of me hopes I do. Some of you need to be pissed off, because this conservative ideology is fucking disgusting. Horrible, evil, sadistic trash. Fuck it.
The weird thing is that I haven’t thought about this stuff for years. It becomes a way of life, and you can’t see yourself from an outsider’s perspective any longer. You can’t realize there’s actually a problem. It was never introduced as a problem. It was introduced as Christianity. What’s wrong with Christianity? But it’s truly a problem. The ideas are a problem. Right and wrong, right and wrong. It’s a big fucking problem. It destroys you. Destroys peace on Earth, and then laments at the sins of others. How fucking exhausting it is. I hate it, and I wish I could single-handedly destroy it. But I can only write about my past experiences with it.
The moral battle never ends. You cannot win it. You cannot fucking win it. But you feel morally obligated to fight anyway. “I know I’m a sinner, but I’m trying.” What? What the fuck does that mean? If you accept your own sinful nature, what can you possibly do to fix it? How can a sinner live “Godly”? I don’t think “divine intervention” means what many think it means, but I’ll have to save my complete thoughts on that for another piece.
Throughout my young years, “sitting and thinking” has led to me envisioning Hellfire engulfing my bed. “Sitting and thinking”, at around eight or nine years old, led me to think about sex, and then led me to think about how bad it was to think about sex. It made me hate women. I hate admitting that, because I know how people will react to that. But it’s true. Almost all of the problems that I have with my emotions about the opposite sex stem from conservative Christianity (it’s not really “Christianity”, but I’m going to call it that simply for simplicity’s sake). This current culture is very progressive. I know what people will say as a result of what I’ve just said about women. Hell, I know it doesn’t matter what you say, people will always be outraged by it. But that has always bothered me. I’m not a bad person. I’m not a bad guy. But I’ve always felt like people perceive me to be that way, and that has always bugged me. I have finally decided to play it up, and just say “You know what, if people are going to think that anyway, I’m going to give them a reason to do so.” And so, I continue to have fun with people’s fears. I’ve tried writing honestly about these things in the past, but I didn’t have the patience and introspection to sit and think, which is what I’m attempting to do with this piece. I can’t write until I understand myself. Introspection always comes first. Introspective writing must come before any other type of writing for me, regardless of how long it fucking takes to get everything done.
It’s no wonder why I don’t like “sitting and thinking”. Honesty is scary. Tough. Social criticism is hard. “What if? What if I am a bad person? Everyone says I am. God thinks I am, and He knows eeeeeeeverything. And He’s never wrong. If I’m evil, and murder is evil, does that mean I’m capable of murder? What if I’m a liar? What if I’m evil? Just run away. Get away from it quick. Do anything else but get lost in thought. You’re going down the road of suffering and fear. Don’t think deeply. Run away. Run away.” And that’s exactly what I’ve done all this time. But I need to start thinking deeply again if I’m going to be a writer. And this means coming face-to-face with Hell again. It’s different this time, as instead of actually being in it, I’m an observer, while Hell sits behind the thick glass of God’s intervening grace. But still, I can see it. I can remember it. And it is still terrifying. A breeze compared to what it used to be, however.
It isn’t just religion that has hindered my “sitting and thinking”. I believe I have a natural disposition that tends toward anxiety. External stimuli have always affected me more than people I’ve been around. Bright lights, loud noises, etc. Of course, I’ve had to learn to accept them and ignore them. But I think it’s harder for me than a lot of people. Things have always deeply affected me. I’ll give a particularly embarrassing example of this. Once, when I was a child, taking a bath, I noticed what I thought was a cut on myself. I can’t remember if it was on my arm or leg. It didn’t actually hurt, but because I thought it was a cut, and because I thought it was going to hurt or sting, or thought it should hurt or sting because I was in the tub, I started screaming and crying. Bathwater in a cut? That has to be bad, right? So I cried and screamed. My father, bless his heart, came running in: “What’s the matter?! What’s the matter?!” I held up the “cut”. And he pulled the red string off of my arm.
Mental illness? Who knows. Clearly, insane. But is it normal? Don’t kids just do things like that from time to time? Isn’t that part of how we learn? Maybe some kids overestimate danger, some underestimate it. As embarrassing as that story was, it was real. And it was me. I’ve always been an emotionally sensitive person, and, for once, I accept that fact and am willing to freely admit it, accepting that I will be ridiculed for it (and the ridicule isn’t even completely unjustified, which is the worst part about it).
For whatever reason, anxiety has always been a part of my life. My “nature”? Environment? Genes? I just know that it has always been there. It has changed, in form and scope, but it has always been there. Fear has hindered me. Thanks, in part, to having mainly only dumb peers in my youth, I have often feared my own sanity. Saying smart things around dumb people with no other frame of reference, or check-and-balance system to bounce your ideas off of (along with the sharp judgment of the idiot your talking to), especially when you are a “highly-sensitive person”, can only make you feel stupid. Despite the fact that I’ve pretty much always known I was smart, I’ve felt stupid. I’m not even talking about times where I actually did something stupid. I’ve just always had this fear that what I say doesn’t make any sense. That I only think I’m smart, when I’m really not. This scares me as a writer. My biggest fear is that I become hugely, emotionally invested in a piece, thinking it is perfect, and, objectively, that it doesn’t make a lick of sense. That scares me. And it keeps me from sitting in silence, really thinking about any particular piece. I just write frantically in an attempt to “complete” something, even if it isn’t good. The strange irony, of course, is that my fears have actually come to life because of it. The writing actually is bad because I’m afraid of sitting and thinking about it to make it better for fear that it might actually be bad. The thought of being a bad writer angers me and scares me more than anything about this craft. It isn’t the thought of never making a living off of the writing (although that does produce its own fear). It is that I write away, feeling good, feeling like the piece is good, but it is actually fucking trash. I don’t think, at least at the current time, that my heart could take that level of dejection, especially considering the fact that I just ate a couple of slices of pizza before writing this.
You start to believe that you are what people tell you that you are, for better or worse, when you are a child. I’ve written about intelligence before, but I’ve always felt bad about being smart. But as a “young adult”, I’m very thankful that I am as smart as I am. It’s just a case now of developing more self-esteem, mental independence, and actually doing something with it, which I am trying to do. The more quiet and peaceful I feel, the more I feel a drill sergeant yelling in my face. Perhaps due to having a very chaotic, unfortunate upbringing. Clearly, experience has a lot to do with my conditioning in this regard. You can never get too happy or high without something really bad happening to you. At least, this was the case for me. My childhood was filled with tragedy. Like the childhood of so many others. It is very painful to think about when it seems as if the one who caused the pain is delusional, even though that individual had their own “Hell” growing up. Very tragic.
Tragedy motivates me more than any other emotion as a writer. It’s honestly no surprise to me now. It all makes sense, as long as I come to grips with it. As a kid, “positive thinking” didn’t help me. It didn’t matter how positive I tried to be, one particular individual in my family wasn’t coming home (at least not for very long). It didn’t matter how long I sat in the yard at night, by myself, waiting for this individual to come home, it never happened. Of course, I grew very bitter and depressed as a result. (Honestly, considering the way things were when this individual was at home, maybe it was best that this individual was gone). And this individual did not seem to acknowledge the problem for a very, very long time. I feel as if this individual greatly regrets their actions, which I’m very thankful for. They should. But tragedy moulded my mind at a very young age, and I’ve never looked back. I think I have avoided “sitting in silence” to keep this stuff from coming out, but now is as good of a time as any to write about it.
Clearly, a part of the reason I don’t sit in silence is the pain involved. If you aren’t careful, you’ll cry. And I absolutely fucking hate crying. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. Crying as a child gets you a slap in the face around these parts. Parenting in this part of the world is absolutely cringeworthy and disgusting. Dark comedy became my way of getting out of the funk. Making jokes about really horrible stuff made me happy. I wasn’t taking pleasure in the pain or misfortune of others, but making a shocking joke for the sake of catching people off guard so that they couldn’t help but laugh. “Dark stuff” became my way of dealing with the poor parenting I received from one of my parents. And I grew to love it. Of course, it has always made me “weird” to people. People think you’re a little off. Strange. They worry about you. But when you’re laughing, you really don’t care as much. It truly is beautiful, and I desire to grow more into comedy, as it makes me very happy. I scare myself, because I compare myself to Robin Williams. Although I know comedy is a common device to deal with tragedy, every time I think of my own situation, where I have taught myself to deal with tragedy in a comedic way, I always think of Robin Williams, and I get scared. Is the comedy enough to outrun the demons? I often get scared that it isn’t. But my work makes me very happy, so I hang my hat on that fact, and I don’t draw probably unfair comparisons between Robin Williams and myself.
A large reason I don’t sit in silence and write is because it becomes much more personal when I do. The shocking humor is great, because it isn’t real. I present an image to people that isn’t me, so I don’t care how they react to it (of course I’d prefer they like it, but as long as they don’t kill me, I don’t really care how they react to it). But, as I’ve said, people in the past didn’t understand what I was saying. So few have. I’ve been told that I have delusions of grandeur simply for stating that fact. There is no escaping the idiots, no matter how hard you try. You just learn how to deal with them with age, sadly. You can never escape them. They will always make their presence known, and you just have to learn to ignore them the best you can. That’s very hard for me.
People hate you for expressing things honestly. They judge you, and other stuff. And, as I said, I have worked hard on not caring about this, but I still have a lot further to go. I have always worried about being a bad person. Being an evil person. Knowing that there was evil in the world from a young age, taking it to heart, and being told that I was also an evil person through religious messaging, I have always been in fear. Fear of myself. Fear that I was going to snap. But you can’t say that, because people don’t get it. “Why would you fear snapping if you aren’t actually going to snap?” Oh, if you only knew. If you only knew the heartache that religion caused me. I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface in that regard, and I want to delay that for as long as possible, because that’s really going to hurt. It’s going to make me angry. And I want to be calm and peaceful. But I’ll have to deal with it eventually, and boy, is that going to be a bittersweet day…
I have always caved in to others. Always silenced, changed my ways to “keep the peace”. To keep the people at bay. Keep the teeth from gnashing. Even if I died a little on the inside. Despite the fact that I’ve been rebelling against this for years, the honesty is what is most difficult. It’s easy for me to write about serial killers, because I’m not a serial killer. But it’s hard for me to write about those things that are most deeply me. Like, for example, my intense fear of being a bad person. “Why are you afraid of being a bad person if you aren’t a bad person?” I fear it because, on some deep level, I understand just how “bad” bad can be. And I couldn’t live with myself if I was “bad”. I don’t want to be bad. I’m desperate to be good. I have always been told how bad I was. A sinner. Had a weird, twisted sense of humor that only a serial killer would have. A darkly fictitious mind that only a violent monster could have. And that has always eaten me alive. My own sense of morality has always eaten me alive. I have always compared my personal convictions to morals; to “good and bad”. Everything has led to the “bad”, but I don’t believe this any longer. I drove myself insane trying to prove my own “badness”. “Surely I must be evil. I must be corrupt. My sin. My perverted, fictitious mind.” I didn’t have a good frame of reference for what “good” and “bad” actually were. Sure, I knew what manners were. But what’s real good and what’s real evil? I didn’t know. I only had conservatism.
Everyone has felt “good” and everyone has felt “bad”. My own sins hurt me. Creep me out. Aside with youthful fights with my brother (“normality”), and some not-so-normal fisticuffs with my mother in my youth, I haven’t really ever been “violent” (the fisticuffs with my mother went as follows (You need to be called out on this): my mother, father, and I (and maybe my brother) were playing cards. Phase 10 or Uno, I can’t remember. My mom, smoking a cigarette, always used to (jokingly) insult my dad (I assume she was joking). I remember on one particular hand, he had a better hand than her, and she yelled “Fuck you!” in what I assumed to be a joking manner. I later said the same thing to her, and she slapped me in the face. Her hypocrisy infuriated me. The incident ended with us both on the ground, hands full of each other’s hair, yanking. She once (and still to this day, probably) lied about cutting my ear while cutting my hair. After years of being told that nothing she did was right, she couldn’t admit wrongdoing. It was too painful. I’m sure that’s what it was. I apologize if you read this, and don’t want this out, but I need this for my own sense of self-therapy (and you really don’t like to listen, anyway. We’ve tried to go down this road many times, and you just won’t)).
Come to think of it, I wonder if my parents played favorites. My brother was allowed to play football while I was not (in hindsight, I guess that does make sense. I, admittedly, have always been a delicate flower (I mean, just remember my fucking “red string” story)). My brother got to pick the color he wanted for his room, while I did not. That will never make sense to me. My brother got to select the color that he wanted his room painted, but I did not. I don’t understand that. I don’t know what I could be possibly missing from that story, but I’ll grant the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe I’m misremembering, and that he didn’t get to choose his own color. (Come to think of it, I’m starting to realize why I doubt myself so much. Why I’m so unconfident. Constantly second-guess myself. Why I feel so crazy. Sadly, it’s all coming together…). But I swear that he did. My room got painted, and his never did, which is weird. But still, I’ll never forget that. I remember him getting the color he wanted, while I did not. I don’t think I’ll ever know what actually happened in that case. She was not able to admit specific instances of her faults. Nowadays, she’ll say that she made mistakes. But how can I believe the crazy lady that wouldn’t admit them as they were occurring? I think that’s enough of that for now.
One time, my mother got pizza for my brother, me, and our two best friends at the time. If I recall correctly, half of us wanted pepperoni and half of us wanted cheese. My thought process was if you buy the pepperoni, those that want cheese can just pull the pepperoni off. But those that want pepperoni can’t add pepperoni to the cheese. I think that still logically makes sense. Sure, the pepperoni has cheese on it. So if you eat a plain cheese, you’re going to get the cheese you would get from the pepperoni pizza. But you’re not getting the pepperoni. The point was that if you bought a pepperoni pizza, half could pull their pepperonis off and have a “cheese” pizza. But she ordered the cheese pizza, I assume, just to get us to “shut up”. Her faulty logic infuriated me. I still think my instance makes more sense. I think that’s a common theme in my life: my way makes more sense, but I allow people to bulldoze me over just to “keep the peace”.
Why hold a grudge over pizza? It’s just like the cards. It’s fucking dumb. Adults are supposed to be smarter than that. Your parents are supposed to be smarter than that (or so I thought at the time). The lack of logic was unacceptable to me, and it still is. Sure, you can apologize. We can move on. But you were still wrong, and that is still unacceptable.
I’m not going any further into family history than that.
A lot of this is embarrassing, but honesty is therapeutic. Perhaps, if I ever become more “famous”, I will regret how candid I have been. But I value honesty, and I value expression. I value expressing negative emotion. I value making myself look like an idiot. Making myself look like a fool on purpose is also very therapeutic to me. There’s just something freeing about not taking myself very seriously. Laughing at myself. It makes me very happy. They say your joke isn’t very funny if you’re the only one laughing, but my response is: who fucking cares?
Sitting in silence hurts me. It really, really does. When bad things are happening to you, you don’t know when and how good things will happen. So often, when I have been depressed, I have wondered what was going to be my saving grace in that instance. I’ve never physically harmed myself, but I just sit in emotional pain, and think of things to relieve that pain. I don’t think I could ever act on them. Clearly, I’ve never been so unhappy that I’ve killed myself, as I’m alive right now, writing this. Despite how much I may think of death as a way to ease the pain, I don’t think it is in me to actually kill myself. In the past, I thought “I don’t know if I’m going to Heaven or Hell, so I might as well stay here because it might be worse when I die.” That is truly a hilarious thought to me. “I’m not going to kill myself because I might go to Hell.” You might think that is incredibly sad, but that is hilarious to me. I imagine a movie character, horrifically depressed, drunk, who has a line: “I’m not going to kill myself because I might go to Hell.” Depending on the context, that could be fucking hilarious.
I don’t talk about my history of depression very often, for obvious reasons. People feel compelled to “help” you. But I’m an introvert. I just want to be left alone. This isn’t something that I can’t fight off myself. I already have. I accept that I will have spells of depression from time to time. I think everyone does. I’m not actually going to kill myself, despite how bad I may feel in any one instance. And, especially over the past two years, I’ve learned that suicidal thoughts actually don’t help. In some ways, suicidal thoughts may help somewhat, as, clearly, sadness can feel very therapeutic. Crying helps. But, in the long run, I’ve learned it just makes you feel worse. And so I try not to do it anymore. You can say I’m mentally disordered, but I think I’m fine. I’m human. I get sad. I’ve been really sad in the past. But I’m good now. I’ve got stuff to do, things to keep me busy, goals to achieve. The past is gone. It went by like dusk to dawn.
Like I said, I have avoided writing about my past with depression for many reasons. But it feels good to write about it now. I desire introspection. And I desire to write about myself. I feel the reactions that I’m going to get. “Oh my God, are you ok?!” This is what I hate about writing. I want to write honestly, but I also want to be left alone. And I hate the fact that when I write, and share with an audience, they’re gonna tell me what they think. So many times, I don’t want to fucking hear it, for reasons that I just mentioned above.
I still have not truly figured out what I’m going to do with writing. Just recently, I was impressed with the number of articles that I currently have on my blog. It, at that current count, was 247. I was shocked at that number. Pleasantly surprised. I know that as I keep churning away, as I do here, that, eventually, I will have a massive amount of work done, and that makes me extremely happy. It encourages me to keep going. It is just a matter of getting (good) pieces done which poses the problem.
I wish that I could say, right now, exactly how I’m going to get to that point. Of course, I’ll have to read more. Practice writing more. But that feels so general to describe. This is going to take some intense, personal thought. This is going to take extreme confidence that I can write well. This is going to take a lot of isolation. A loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot of isolation. I have always felt guilty for my desire to be left alone. Anxiety and guilt have motivated so much of my action in my life thus far that it feels weird to take any action that isn’t motivated by them. But my love for writing, and my desire to be the best at it motivate me to write. And I am extremely happy about that.
Sitting in silence, thinking of words, is going to be very hard for me. My brain has always been interrupted in the past. As I said, the more calm I feel, the more I feel like a slap in the face is about to occur. I think there is a large reason for this (multiple, obviously. I’ve discussed some of them above. But I think there’s more to it as well). I think my religious past has most to do with this feeling of getting slapped in the face when times are good.
Just yesterday, at the time of this writing, my best friend and I went out for pizza. Oh, did I feel good. I was calm, and at peace. We were on a particular stretch of road, with clouds covering the sky. An extreme feeling of deja vu overcame me. It was Sunday. And I was reminded of the past. That time when you felt free, away from church. Free from the prison. Except you were always guilty, even when freed. Regardless of your play, or whatever activity you were doing (in retrospect, I think this is why I didn’t read very much) you better be thinking about God. Are you playing in a Godly way? When you read that book, are you thinking about it Godly? Everything for me had to be through a “Christian” lens, and that’s most unfortunate. I’ve only begun to scratch the surface, but I feel it necessary to include in this piece, as it is a large reason why I have so much problem with “sitting in silence”. Fire is going to engulf my bed because I’m masturbating, and I’m never going to be more fearful than when I cum; lightning means that God is looking for me, and He’s going to take me if I don’t avoid the lightning. His lightning is saying “I see your sins. Watch out, boy. Do you see me?” Once again, I don’t want to say these things because I don’t want to hear your points of view about religion. This isn’t a debate. This is catharsis. My desire for peace was destroyed by religion, and tragedy was introduced into my life thanks to a negligent parent. Sadly, that sums me up quite a bit. Now, it isn’t completely fair. I’ve left out all of the parts that were actually good. But the bad still existed, and I felt like writing about them today.
I have been running away from my religious feelings for a long time. My best friend is inspiring me to delve into my past a little bit more than I otherwise would have. I become afraid when I go back and look at it. Not as afraid as I was back when I was actually experiencing it, but still afraid, nonetheless. There was absolutely no religious satisfaction back then. Everything was misery and terror. “And thank God for it!” The message was perverted; completely backwards. You should thank God for the peace, not the misery. When things are good, and you are happy, and genuinely thankful, that’s how you thank God. You don’t thank God by going up to the altar because you’re afraid of not thanking God. That isn’t very thankful. It’s like being a wife of an abusive husband. “Thank you, for not hitting me today, husband. I thank you for it.” What? That is what so much Christian theology teaches. If you don’t thank God, He’s going to slap you. Uh, thanks, I guess? If the only definition of love is conditional and based solely on a lack of violence when one is prone to it, then we’re missing out on peace and prosperity that love actually naturally promises us. Love is not merely “I’m not hitting you today.” Love is deeper than that. More meaningful. It is selfless, at times. It puts others before itself. It desires goodwill, and creates it. “It is patient. It is kind.” Any Christian teaching that doesn’t teach “God’s love” from this point of view is missing out on the entire point of the message. Missing out on the entirety of the “good news”, a.k.a., the “Gospel”.
It pains me to say that conservatism hindered my ability to read. It destroyed natural relationships with the opposite sex. It pretty much destroyed everything. I don’t harbor any ill-will towards any family member involved in introducing me to it. I empathize greatly with any individual desiring to get closer to God, so I don’t hate anyone who was trying to bring me closer to Him, even if it, effectively, ended up sending me in the opposite direction. But the old conservative message was deplorable at best; intolerable at worst. Sadly, so many know that religious fear all too well. I wish that I could explain it to you under the assumption that you have no idea what I’m talking about. But I know that many of you have those conservative scars from those deep psychological wounds. There, obviously, is a constant anxiety associated with religious conservatism. It is demanded by many pastors. Many pastors say that God demands this anxiety. So, of course, many, including myself, believed it. And, of course, being anxiety, it caused a host of various, intricate mental problems. Just sitting and reading a book has often proved too much for my anxiety. “I’m going to Hell; I just know it. What is the Godly way to do this thing that I want to do? What does God think about this book? Is it a sin if I read this book?” What I’m talking about is obvious, but the damage that causes does not seem to be talked about enough. Maybe I’m not looking in the right places. But the ones writing about that damage seem to be too few in number. Perhaps that’s because there can never be enough people writing about the damages of religious conservatism. (It should be mentioned that, as I stated at the very beginning, I have a natural propensity towards anxiety. So my nature, combined with my raising, and my religious upbringing, make it crystal clear to me why I’m always so anxious).
I am very thankful that the past is gone. But is it ever truly really? The events of our past shape how we are today. We may forget about what caused us to be certain ways, or influenced us, but their influence remains, for better or worse. In this case, I’m obviously referring to the worst. I long for peace, and relaxation. Anxiety consumes me, and a large reason for that is conservative religion. I would not consider myself a conservative any longer, but when you have trained yourself to do something, a part of it remains inside of you. You develop habits; certain trains of thought. You do things without even realizing that you’re doing them. But I’m thankful I’m aware of this now. I don’t know how I’m going to move past this, and be able to relax, and write. For years, I believed my honest feelings didn’t matter. God’s way was important, and what I wanted didn’t matter if it didn’t match up to “God’s way”. So, desperate to live, I tried to find out what “God’s way” was. And boy, were there people willing to tell me.
But I have rarely felt alive. I have rarely felt like my life was my own. I have been on the roller-coaster of anxiety. I haven’t even been able to walk. I could see the good times below from my roller-coaster, and I smiled at those good times. Sometimes, I even magically left that roller-coaster, in ways that I truly don’t understand. But I still rode it. Rode it for God. Rode it for Heaven. Oh, the ups and downs of life. They toughen you up. Get you ready for Heaven. What a bunch of fucking bullshit.
Despite my overwhelming desires for comedy, which have helped me conquer the tragedy in my life, the anxiety is a much tougher one. The peace and quiet of reading and writing is very hard for me to experience. I have only just begun to realize what all of this truly is. I have ran away from this anxiety for so long, despite the fact that it has desperately clung to my brain, and hasn’t really let go. I pray that one day, I can read in write in complete peace, away from conservative anxiety. I don’t want that goddamned anxiety. I don’t want the fucking conservatism. It pains me that readers of this will defend it. I wish I could explain to them why they are so tragically wrong. But at the moment, I can’t. And that really hurts me. It hurts me conservative readers won’t understand what I’m saying, and will try to defend that goddamned pain and suffering. But there’s nothing I can really do about that at the moment, except live within my own peaceful world regarding the subject, hoping that the truth is revealed to others whom are blind from it currently. The desire to respond to opposition is strong, but sometimes, I wonder if it’s worth the mental effort, and if it would just be easier to let the critics be critics, ignore them, and let them judge me. Eventually, I think it will be.
At the moment, I know that peace will help me write better. It will help me read. It will help me become better with literature. And I don’t want to hurry it along. Hurriedness makes me anxious, and that’s exactly what I’m trying to avoid. So that while, of course, I’m desperate to become as good of a writer as possible as soon as possible (and, now that I think of it, this explains why I do many of the things that I do, and why I’m in such a hurry to “succeed”), the key to good writing is good thoughts. And good thoughts take time, effort, and a fuckton of patience that I’m currently lacking. I desire to write, and I know that practice will help me sit in silence, and become a better writer. How I long for the day when I achieve a level of contentment in my own mind, in the deafening silence I know I need.
Let’s continue. I mentioned it briefly, but other people responding to what I say limits my desire to speak out. I speak out a lot. I’m very honest when I do so. But there are still times where I think “Is it really worth speaking out in this instance? What do I have to gain from this but a bunch of people responding?” That’s a big thing that I dread about writing. It’s not that I hate criticism (there’s such things as valid and invalid criticism). I just want to be left alone. I want to speak out, but at the same time, I want to be left alone. Read what I write, and leave me alone. I accept the fact that people will respond, give their insights, etc. I read what other people have to say. But it is very exhausting for me. Us introverts are weird; especially if we’re writers. We want to write for the world, but be left alone. Instead of trying to figure it out, like I’ve always tried to do, I think I’ll just accept it now, due to mental exhaustion (some things just aren’t worth continuing to think about any longer, thank God).
I suppose, in some ways, I speak to myself. I express myself regardless of who listens, or what they say. I can understand why people would find that odd. But at the same time, when you sit in silence for so long, absorbing the words of others, you start to make up your own mind, and naturally desire to express yourself. There is something about expressing yourself that just makes you feel good. That just makes you happy. Satisfied. It doesn’t matter who hates it, who ignores it, or even who is unaware of it. Sometimes, just expressing yourself is enough to make you happy. I find this to be the case almost constantly for me. Even though I am an introvert, I desire to express myself creatively. The most common way I desire to do this is through comedy. I don’t care if you find me humorous or not. I just desire to express what I find funny, and I desire to do this very often. And, so, I do do it very often. It makes me very happy. I’ve said this before, but I do this out of boredom. When I’m bored, I try to entertain myself. Because I’m always bored, I’m always trying to entertain myself. So I’m always telling jokes. I don’t care if you hate them, think they’re stupid, think their offensive, whatever. I don’t care what your negative opinion is of my jokes. Of course, I appreciate positive feedback. But the negative feedback isn’t going to change a thing about my comedy, and my desire to make myself laugh. It keeps me going from day to day. I think I live for it. I don’t know what I would do without it. It simply is just me. It is just simply me to try to make myself laugh all of the time. Nothing else makes me happy like making myself laugh does. So, of course, I’m going to do it as much as possible, regardless of how it annoys others, or whatever else it does to them. So why share it when people hate it? Catharsis. That’s the best answer. And self-entertainment. That’s what I care about.
One thing I’ll add is my personal financial philosophy regarding artistic expression. This desire to express myself, particularly comedically (but also through other forms as well) does not exist because I think it will make me money. It just exists. It just simply is that I desire to express myself. That I desire to make myself laugh, express what I think is funny, express articles such as this, express fiction, etc. Those just exist within me. Those are just how I am. Who I am, in fact. I do not do these things because I think they will make me money. However, if I’m going to do them without making any money, then why wouldn’t I operate under the assumption that I will make money someday? I literally have nothing to lose. In other words, if I am willing to write for free, why shouldn’t I charge for writing, even if I don’t make any money? Since I desire to write anyway, I have nothing to lose by charging for writing. In other words, I have nothing to lose by dreaming of becoming a professional writer. I’m not “wasting my time”. I’m not being “unproductive”. It wouldn’t “benefit me more to choose another line of work”. Because even though there is a monetary aspect to writing, it isn’t about the money. It’s deeper than that. It’s more than that. Despite the fact that I do desire to reach “professional” (a.k.a. “full-time” (a.k.a. “take extended vacations”)) status, that isn’t the only reason for writing. Hell, it isn’t even the main reason. I write simply because I want to. I just do. But I literally have nothing to lose by dreaming of achieving the most success possible. It makes me happy, gives me something to work for, motivates me. And I already love to write, so that might as well be my dream. Of course, I do have financial situations to deal with presently. I’m not stupid. I’m always aware of this fact, and I’ll act accordingly. But I might as well dream of being a rich, successful author. I don’t care what anyone else says about it, I don’t care how unlikely it is, how many people are like me and dream of it that never get there, none of that fucking matters. What matters is that I’m already doing it for free, I love it, I have nothing to lose, so I might as well try to become “professional” at it. I hate that so many people exist out there that will try to “convince me otherwise”, but I’ll have to deal with it. At least I’m finally able to express this, as I don’t feel like I have been able to prior to this point. I’m not going to care if I never succeed before I die. Obviously, there will be many factors that determine how happy I am financially, and that determine my financial status at any given time. I’m not stupid. I’m aware of this. But even if I never become a “professional” writer, and die without that ever happening, I still will have nothing to lose by writing, and only everything to gain. That’s what I want people to understand about my work, and my philosophy surrounding it.
For too long, I have been content. If I impressed someone, I was content with stopping there. But honestly, the writing has been very stale to me. Repetitive. I’m at the point where I just want to sit and think about what I’m writing. Now, it isn’t that I normally don’t think when I write. That would be impossible. But the key is ridding myself of this anxiety that I have discussed in this piece. I imagine that most writers are calm. When they write, they sit in peace and quiet. Nothing can disturb them from their work. And they create masterpieces. That’s what I really fucking want. Peace, and quiet. And masterpieces.
I have always taken the easy way out when it comes to writing. I hope there will be a giant shift in my writing life. I think I’ve written some smart things to this point. I’m not comparing myself to any great writers or anything (even though I believe I can be a very good writer at some point in the future). But I want my writing to be more intimate. Instead of only writing when something really bugs me, I want to write just for fun. Carefree. More relaxed. I still want to write when something bugs me, of course. But I don’t want the only time I write to be when this is the case. I want to do it more often. And I can’t do that if my brain is as disorganized as it has been. I’ve had to go through this introspection to figure out what was preventing me from doing this. And, as with most things I’ve written up to this point, I think I did a pretty good job with the introspection. It’s all going to come together. Everything I’ve written is going to come together to form a “life work”, and it will all make sense in the end. Its popularity will not determine its value. It makes me very happy. Each individual piece has meaning, and the thought of bringing them all together into one coherent “piece” or “body of work” makes me very happy indeed. Of course, I hope they are (and will be) entertaining and insightful. And, of course, I’d love to become rich through it. That dream will never die, for reasons that I’ve already stated. But the joy is what it is all about.
I really want to become a better writer. I’m going to do it my own way. No “school”. No doing it anyone else’s way but my own. Freedom is beautiful. There are problems in life that are beyond our control. Circumstances and realities that we must accept. But those instances where we are free: those are the good times. I want to grow through my writing. My career dreams. My work. My art. I want them all to grow and get better, in my own way, without “formal teaching”. I want to teach myself, through the words of others, introspection, and practice. And I want to do it at my own personal pace. So, I will. Writing, for me, is mainly about personal growth. Followed closely by money. Everything else is just an added benefit.
I need to become a bigger reader. The anxiety that I have discussed ad nauseum up to this point has been a large reason why I haven’t been a “big reader”. I enjoyed reading when I was a child. I’ve written about my own feelings about reading before. But there is a certain mindset that you have to have to be a reader. It’s a mindset that I’ve rarely had. It’s a mindset that I’ve already discussed: one of relaxation. I just have never been able to relax. For multiple reasons I’ve already discussed. But you truly have to be relaxed and calm to read a book. Well, if you want to read a book effectively. As a writer, I feel like I have a new appreciation for reading. My appreciation for other writers is growing as I write. “Hey, I like this. Aren’t there a bunch of other people out there that do this as well? Oh yeah, they write books. Those things I’m not reading.” The anxiety has a large part to do with it. Thankfully, I have been in the process of developing new personal and religious philosophies that help me relax. It’s very hard to do. It is very hard work to relax. It takes a lot of effort for me to relax. I just need a good philosophical framework (which I’m working on developing), and practice. I’m confident that I’ll get there at some point, even though, as I say that, I imagine getting shot in my 30s. This is what I’m talking about. It may ultimately be a losing battle, but I need to try to fight it regardless. I just hope it doesn’t turn out to make my writing more optimistic…
I need to practice relaxation. I need this for multiple reasons. Mental health. Becoming a better reader and writer. Just being happier. But there’s another thing that I want to touch on, even though I feel like it is a losing battle. As I sit, thinking about other authors to read, I think about ideological conflicts. “Right and wrong” again. Not only from an ethical standpoint this time, but from an objective standpoint. It gives me a headache. Sadly, there exist unethical people who are willing to compulsively lie for their own gain. And these people write books. Books on political and economic theory. These people run for office. Work in the media. Fighting against them feels futile, when there’s so few “libertarians” that exist (or, at least, that it feels that way). Fighting an uphill battle against evil is always hard. The only reason it isn’t pointless is because it is evil you’re fighting. It’s worth it, but it exhausts you. And it isn’t even guaranteed that you’re going to win.
Lamentation is a common theme in my life. Even though I don’t read very often, I wish others would. There’s a deep compassion that most of us share to make the world a better place, even if this means “polarization”. It’s very complicated. Who is right, and who is wrong? Why is this popular, and why isn’t this? I’m learning that instead of trying to “save the world”, the best you can hope for is personal contentment. I just learn for myself, write things like this from time to time, and then…that’s all I can really do. I’m only a man. I can’t ask “WWJD” as some sort of blueprint for what sort of action I should take. Age is a great guide.
I want to go on a quick tangent for a second. I’ve written about offensiveness before, but considering my love for it, I know I will have to continue writing about it in the future. I’m not completely satisfied with my original “Offend the Fuck Out of People” piece. There’s something missing, but I’m not quite sure what it is yet. Perhaps my mental skills weren’t as developed as I feel they are now (which should really indicate the poor status of my communication skills when I initially wrote it). At any rate, my offensiveness has been my way of teaching myself that things are ok. That things aren’t as bad as I may believe them to be. This stuff? This is bad: not that stuff that I used to think was bad. The “immature”, “vulgar” abrasiveness has been my way of growing up. I know I’ll be critiqued for that, but that’s how it has been. I don’t ever want that to change, but I reserve the right to do so in the future if I desire so then. There is an overreaction to portrayals of offensive things in art. Thankfully, this appears to have died down throughout the years. But has it really? Has anything really changed? Romeo and Juliet committed suicide together. That was written in 1595 (thanks, Google). But even still, there are people today that think that certain things just “shouldn’t be expressed in art”. This typically seems to happen when the medium changes, such as with video games. But I enjoy taking this hypersensitivity and offending the fuck out of it. It is important that a culture does not become antagonistic to freedom. Constantly pushing freedom to the maximum point is, my opinion, one of the best ways to keep tyranny from gaining ground. I think, deep down, that’s what motivates me the most about “offensiveness”.
Most of this has been about writing (fiction and non-fiction), but I want to address comedy for a second, because it relates. I just have a funny way of looking at the world. I crave comedy. I crave making myself laugh. I just get fucking bored easily. Always have. Comedy has been the primary way I have alleviated this boredom. No matter how much comedy I consume from others, there is always a void. It’s never enough. Or never good enough, in my opinion. Doesn’t make me laugh hard enough. So, I have to roll my sleeves up and do it myself. I don’t mind it. I love it, of course. But this means that I spend all day every day entertaining myself. Simply out of boredom. And, once again, as with the writing, why wouldn’t I “sell” my comedy? I have nothing to lose by attempting to do so, because I will do the comedy anyway. I already am. I hate that I have to spell this out for people, but I hate getting asked the question “Why do you do this when your chances of being successful are infinitesimal?” (I have one particular gentleman in mind when I write this word. He was quite fond of it. He was fond of expressing his intelligence with certain vocabulary words that he clung to. Even if he pronounced it wrong, like “infinitisimal”. But he was actually smart). It’s called “passion”. It’s called “purpose”. It makes me feel alive. Satisfies me. Drives me. That’s why I write and tell jokes and share them when no one else is listening. It’s just who I am. “So you’re that insane person that talks to himself and has delusions of grandeur?” Sure, if you want to put it that way. That’s who I am.
I don’t care if you don’t like it. In fact, that kind of feeds me to keep going. Reinforces to me that I’m not doing it just for money. I’m doing it for me. Because it makes me happy. So hatred of my work just makes me want to work all the more. Gives me all the more reason to do it. In fact, I feel like if I started making money, that I’d do less of it. But that’s easy to say when the money isn’t rolling in. I’m sure that I’d keep the moneyball rolling, but I don’t think I would sellout all of my personal convictions.
Of course, I have to prove myself. I have to prove that I can write. Create engaging stories. Tell good jokes. That’s where all of the work comes in. And the practice. Getting better. The passion. I don’t think this drive is going away any time soon. My love for comedy isn’t going away. My love for writing isn’t going away. So I’m not going away. My dream is not going away. I’m here to stay, whether I succeed within the next year, twenty years, or never.
The keys are patience and practice. Thankfully, I’m good at introspection. Then, it takes judicious practice to go from observations to change. That’s what I’m attempting to do. I’m confident that, in the end, I will have a body of work that speaks for itself, even though I will have been the one that has spoken through it.
One of these days, I’ll be “good”.
Let’s end on this note: I want to address “praise” for a second. I’ve written about this several times, but I want to add something about it here. Despite my desire for fame as a writer as a means to achieve financial security and happiness, there’s a part of me that desires privacy. Once again, as an introvert (albeit a particularly expressive one), I desire to be by myself. But at the same time, I desire fame. I desire fame solely as a means towards financial ends. And the desire for financial ends are easy to understand. Once again, why wouldn’t I choose another line of work to obtain financial ends? I’ve already discussed it in this piece. In a sense, I’m going after what I don’t desire. I desire fame, but I hate the thought of having it. It is quite confusing. But, in another way, don’t those that have already obtained wealth desire peace and quiet? Aren’t there “famous” people that avoid the limelight as much as possible? Don’t they enjoy their wealth, even though they aren’t constantly being hounded by the press?
“Deep down, he had the fear. That he really didn’t care. That he cared that he didn’t care. That it would all come crashing down upon him. That everyone was right. He was wasting his time. His dreams, delusional; his actions, unproductive. His time, running out. Fearful of being crippled with inevitability. That all he had stood for up to this point was a mere facade; a way to keep from ‘growing up’. What was it about that attitude that had repulsed him so before, but which seemed inevitable now? Was it foolishness? Or the fire he needed to keep himself going? Was he crazy? Or was he right? Why was it that he had thought himself talented before? Was it justified? Or merely a childlike escapism, the only way to keep his spirit from being crushed?
Why did he spend so much time on his spirit, anyway? What was so important about it? Didn’t real life matter? What kind of point was he trying to make? What did it really matter? Was his heart yearning for something more real? Or was he lying to himself, making excuses, to keep from reading the writing on the wall? When would he know that it had been written?; or, even, if it had been written at all?
Suddenly, the life he had loathed, and tried to avoid for so long, was here. It was alluring. It was easy, even if unfulfilling. But how easy was it if it was truly unfulfilling?
The 9 to 5, and the sixpack. It was staring him cold in the face. Would the alcohol be enough to dull the lamentation from regret? Would it be enough to drown out the sorrows of natural difficulties? Would he need to ‘grow up’, or remain in his childlike construct of imagination? Would his escape be the very thing that haunted him so, but that which he desired the most?: his drive for success, and his artistic visions, despite the natural obstacles and his own limitations which got in the way of his dreams? Would he ever be as good as he hoped? As rich as he hoped? Or would he be delegated to the unknown?; Or, merely, the notoriously bad and unsuccessful?
All he knew for sure was that when the fire burned, it BURNED, and he was grateful for that. He hoped that the fire would keep him warm enough from the cold of uncertainty, and alive enough from the suicide of lazy, fearful, and ignorant, yet innocent, dejection…”
Welp, the holidays are officially over.
Back to the daily existential crises of lethargy, dreams, dead-end shit jobs, failure, confusion, ideological opposition, advice, uncertainty, boredom, conformity, pessimism, fury, doubt, dissatisfaction, stupidity, deceit, entrapment, and all of the other beautiful fucking things on this planet that we are blessed with that are all somehow supposed to be fixed with “a wife and kids”.
What a life.
To illustrate one of my points: it’s a shame that if you say something like “I can’t wait to go to Heaven“, people worry. “Oh my God, he’s going to kill himself!” Just one of the things that I’m talking about that occur regularly that bothers the Hell out of me. I’m not saying they are completely unjustified. Context has a lot to do with it. You can see what I mean if you read suicide notes from certain people. But hearing this anxiety from so-called “Christians” after I say something like this makes me cringe, because clearly, they are more unsure of where they are going to go when they die than I am sure of where I’m going to go when I die. I know exactly where I’m going, and I can’t wait to get there. I will wait (sadly; In my opinion, although you can clearly be happy while living, compared to Heaven (or the Garden of Eden), this life can’t help but make one feel dissatisfied. I think that’s why I am dissatisfied: because I have at least some small idea of what I’m missing out on, and I actually believe I’m missing out on it, instead of simply providing “lip service” to Heaven like many other so-called “Christians”) (Personal Happiness as a Virtue)). But taking care of my health does not interest me at all. I do not want to live 80 years on this planet.
Everything involved in this “daily existential crisis” feels, ultimately, trivial to me. Sure, my life is all that I have in the moment (of which, these things are a part of). So why not make the best of it?
Firstly, I have a problem with cliches like that, and it will take me a very long time to fully “get into” why I have a problem with these cliches. I guess, to be brief, there is a moralistic attitude behind these cliches. These cliches are treated like The Ten Commandments, whereby your every breath and action should be spent towards conforming to these “life cliches”. I have tried to do this in the past, and all it does is set you up for failure. You will always fail to live by these cliches. Period. It is inhuman to attempt to make these cliches divine edicts in your life. Cliches are true through the natural process of human action: much like The Ten Comamndments are divine edicts that we can never perfectly obey, even if what is in The Ten Commandments and perfectly living by them would make us have better lives. I’ll have to further analyze my past history with these “cliches” (and larger implications regarding them) at a later date. “But Cody, you say to let the ‘natural process of human action’ take place. Isn’t that what these so-called ‘moralists’ are doing? Clearly, they are humans acting. So how can you support the ‘natural course of human action’ as opposed to what they are doing if what they are doing is also a ‘natural course of human action’?” I’ll have to elaborate on this much deeper in the future. But the main point is that what they do just doesn’t work. It conflicts with what I mention in the next paragraph.
Secondly, I have my own personal philosophies that I want to live by (largely influenced because of what I mentioned in the first part), because the philosophies of others, very rarely, make me happy. In the past, I never thought that my happiness mattered. But, thanks to a religious transformation, triggered mainly by my best friend, I think my happiness actually does matter. Not only does my happiness matter in a spiritual (after death) sense, where God sent His Son to die for my sins, forces me to believe that through love, and provides me with an eternal paradise for no other reason than His own grace and love. My happiness actually matters on this Earth. (Personal Happiness as a Virtue). That, sadly, is a very revolutionary, rare thought; and thus, my “back to the daily existential crisis” paragraph. But I think that’s why I’m so dissatisfied. I’m ready to go to Heaven. I’m not going to hurry it along, but in spirit, I’m ready to go, enjoy my paradise, and be freed from the human condition, which enslaves us to labor, heartbreak, anger, broken families, abuse, government tyranny, nuclear war, and just the difficulty in doing something so necessary as producing food. The human condition has weakened my spirit, and “a wife and kids” isn’t going to fix it. That’s only going to make it worse. I don’t want to listen to this “make the best of what you have”, “enjoy the little things”, and all of this other crap. I’m making a conscious decision to ignore this, for the “moralistic” reasons I mentioned above (it conflicts with my nature).
There is a mindset that equates “maturity” with “misery”, and I don’t believe that (much like the atheistic “misery” that is “scientific” and “inevitable” “in nature” that I no longer believe). I believe that God cares about my happiness. Indeed, we were put on this Earth in a paradise, so clearly there was some purpose to our happiness. I personally think we were created to be happy for that reason (and then we fucked it up and lost it as punishment). So, in my opinion, when we are truly happy, we are as close to God as we can be. And, to put it shortly, I, therefore, do not personally believe that, for example, murdering someone can make the murderer “truly” happy. (Can we be happy in sin? Sure. But I think it’s complicated, and I think there are miseries that come about as a result of our sins that we don’t often think of when we say “Can’t we be happy in our own sin?” It’s complicated, I grant you. I’ll have to elaborate in a future piece).
Of course, there is a certain healthy maturity in accepting what you cannot change; particularly, if what you cannot change is negative. But I think that most people’s attitudes about “maturity” is not this, although maybe I’m wrong, and will be proven so in the future (or, perhaps, I’m wrong and will never become aware of it and it will make my life more difficult. Once again, there’s so many “what-ifs” that are considered when making decisions, and I’m not going to elaborate all of them involved in my own personal decision-making processes to justify them to others. I’m simply going to live for myself, in my own way, deal with the consequences that come, and enjoy the rewards, as all of us humans do).
But it seems to me that many people equate “maturity” with giving up. I don’t think this is completely unfounded: indeed, I think it is often sage. You have to eat, you need a house, etc. And, of course, you need money to buy these things, and most people get this money by providing services to others (services that they typically hate to perform, but do because they need the money). I am perfectly aware of all of this. But I am not going to hurry the process along. My mindset is to avoid this. There is a bare minimum, of course. But the day I accept “my job” as my life, and no longer dream of turning what I naturally enjoy doing into a career, is, at least for the time being, the day that I spiritually die on this Earth (I realize that sounds drastic, but I want to do what makes me happy. This dream makes me happy, so I keep it. For the time being, I don’t see anything that could effectively replace this dream on my “happiness” scale). I will either work on writing fiction, insightful articles, dark pieces of art, making myself look like a jackass for comedy’s/satire’s sake, and financially succeed, or I will work on writing fiction, insightful articles, dark pieces of art, making myself look like a jackass for comedy’s/satire’s sake, and financially fail (such as I’m currently) doing. But clearly, either way, you see what will remain (and I might as well dream big if I’m going to do it anyway).
I’m aware that if money is an issue, I could attempt to learn a job that would give me more money. But, once again, I have to do what makes me happy, and even if it ends horribly for me in the future, I have to try. It is within me to try to make it all work. I would not be able to live with myself if I didn’t try all of this, even if it means I forego other financial opportunities, valuable experience in a skill, etc. (I’m going to write an article called “What’s the worst that could happen?” to address exactly that (I hope that I can remember to link it here)).
I want to embrace the difficulty. I want to embrace the obstacles. I want to take the valid (and unfounded) opposition head on. I want to use all of it as fuel, turn it around, and give the world a giant “I told you so.” Failure simply means that I never succeeded when I was alive. And that isn’t that bad to me (once again, I’ll write a “What’s the worst that could happen?” article later to satiate those of you eager to tell me the worst that could happen, and also as a way to fully accept it and understand it for myself). If I try to make money doing something I love to do, and never do, but instead end up working at McDonald’s in my 40s, have I failed? In some sense, yes. I didn’t succeed in making my “dream job” a reality. But I succeeded in never having to wonder “What if?”, and I think that’s one of my biggest motivators. I refuse to put myself in a position where I will ask myself, 20 years down the road, “What if I would’ve started writing in my mid-20s? What if I would’ve started to try to make people laugh regularly in my mid-20s?” Of course, you can turn it around: “But Cody, ‘What if’ you wonder, down the road, ‘what if’ you had chosen a different career path that many people told you was a better guarantee?” Once again, I’m going to make my own personal decisions because, right now, the only thing I see making me happy is enjoying my job, so I’m going to try to take what I enjoy and turn it into a job. I will have to deal with the consequences as they come.
It is about success, but it’s mainly about being satisfied in this life. As I said, there’s a lot of talk about equating “maturity” with accepting the fact that you have to work a job you hate in order to survive. Once again, I’m not saying this is invalid. But 1) I am not going to put myself in that position sooner than I have to (thankfully, I don’t have to at the moment), and 2), I do not anticipate ever adopting the “Welp, this is my job for the rest of my life” attitude, so I might as well work on my “dream jobs” NOW. Spending time and energy towards creating a career that I enjoy NOW. Even if I change my mind down the road, I need to work on this NOW, while I want to, and while it invigorates me. That’s what I want. I just want to be happy; and right now, working on this makes me happy. I think that’s, ultimately, what this comes down to (and I can’t help but think of the people that give me “advice“, and what they did at my age (drinking, partying, etc.), and feeling like I’m different than they are, so maybe my outcome will be different).
Despite the small number of “success stories” that float as an island on the ocean of failure, the exceptions speak out to me louder than “the rule”. “The rule” makes me want to drink. And I don’t want to drink. I want to work on becoming an exception, using all of the “daily existential crises of lethargy, dreams, dead-end shit jobs, failure, confusion, ideological opposition, advice, uncertainty, boredom, conformity, pessimism, fury, doubt, dissatisfaction, stupidity, deceit, entrapment, and all of the other beautiful fucking things on this planet that we are blessed with that are all somehow supposed to be fixed with ‘a wife and kids'” as fuel and motivation to succeed in my own way.
I’m not giving up. I’m either going to become an exception, doing it my own way, or I will fail my own way. But, I believe more than anything (well, aside from, maybe, the financial success that I dream of) I want to feel free. And I’m currently exercising my freedom to the best of my ability, and I feel very pleased thus far (at least in some ways. Obviously, I’d be happier if I was already successful).
At least for the time being, I anticipate that, without a job that fulfills me, regardless of the pay, I will be dissatisfied. Currently, I will not adapt to any other choice than making my passions work. Could I “learn to live” with the job, and adapt myself around it to be happier? Of course. But I do not ever want to give up on this dream, regardless of how shitty my job is. I want this dream to be the reason that I wake up in the morning. At least for the time being, I want this to be my life, because it makes me happy, and I anticipate that, even though it will be a roller coaster, it will, ultimately, make me happier than I would be without it.
A steady job (at least in another line of work), although necessary, is not the end goal for me. I want to be so committed to something that I love that I will go to my grave trying to make it happen. I think that is a purpose that will fulfill me. I don’t want to accept spiritual death, and I think that without a purpose, I will spiritually die. And, currently, the only purpose that makes me happy is trying to make a living through writing and people laughing at me. Subject to change in the future, but, currently, it makes me happier than anything else in my life. I love dreaming and working on it all. It’s been a great experience thus far, and I can’t wait to see how it all shakes out in the end (whenever “the end” is).
Things I hate about writing:
– editing (the inability to make a decision, having to figure out how to fix something because it doesn’t make sense, and realizing that I have to write A LOT MORE to connect the dots I was attempting to create, but I don’t have the words for the thoughts in my head)
– shit vocabulary
– criticism (I typically ignore it and don’t really care for it: I do what I want)
– fear of dedication of time and energy towards it because I “may be missing out on something else”
– comparing myself to other writers
– stressing out over my lack of financial compensation for writing
– sitting and thinking without writing (I’m excrutiatingly impatient)
– explaining to others “what I meant”
– feeling like what I’ve written isn’t original; that the subject matter has been discussed since the dawn of time, and my opinions regarding the subject have been rewritten over and over and over since the dawn of time
– marketplace competition
– wanting to go 15 million directions within a piece and then getting confused
– unintentionally repeating myself
– editing (the inability to make a decision…)
– the fear of being “better” than someone due to receiving praise from multiple people about one piece
– getting stuck; not knowing where to go next, and thinking about thinking about it (and feeling crazy for thinking and thinking and thinking about it and going deep into the rabbit hole…)
– feeling mentally exhausted before I’m finished with a piece
– people misinterpreting my words
– realizing that people will want to kill me for my words
– feeling uninspired
– forcing myself to write when I’m not “feeling it”
– realizing that by saying one opinion, I’m going to open myself up to other arguments that I either KNOW I can defend myself against (but the process is so exhausting, and adds SO much extra work for just one opinion) OR I want to express an opinion that I know I won’t be able to effectively defend and then……I’ll feel like an idiot
– self-doubt with word choice
– reading what I have written, feeling like it doesn’t make sense, rewriting it, then realizing I’ve changed my original meaning, so I change it back to the original way it was, it makes sense, and then I wonder what in the fuck I’ve just done (drives me mad; the BIGGEST fucking problem on this whole goddamn list…INFURIATING)
– COMING UP WITH NEW IDEAS AND NOT FINISHING THE OLD ONES. This happens to me more frequently than anything on this list, mainly because I get so frustrated with the previous point that I just end up doing THIS point OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER…JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
– hearing voices in my head from the past mocking me for being “perfectionistic” when I start to think about which punctuation mark to use, etc.
– feeling crazy for working on multiple pieces at once while also coming up with ideas for brand new pieces all at the same time and not knowing how to fucking organize it all (so I end up “taking a break” lmfao), which leads to me never getting anything fucking done…
– confronting my emotions when it comes to my religious past
– people “trying to get to know me better” because they like my work
– not knowing what to do when people talk to me
– getting confused because ideas for multiple pieces come to my head at once and I can’t keep them organized
– not knowing when something is “finished”
– feeling like I’m a bad writer for realizing that I need to make a change
– my perfectionism regarding realizing I have made mistakes (SO exhausting……)
– making mistakes…
– feeling like I’m bragging when I’m simply stating what I can do and what I feel like I am good at
(I’m exhausted, I’m tired of thinking of this, I don’t want to wait longer and start doubting myself, so I’m going to hurry up and publish this: my typical “writing mentality”…)
Things I like about writing:
– the ideas
– feeling smart
– feeling funny
– feeling good
– the tactile act of typing
– the way my handwriting looks
– dreaming of the future
– trying to be profound
– feeling original
– having people say “Wow, that was good. I never thought of that before.”
– people telling me how much they laughed at my jokes
– dreaming of being wealthy and relaxed
– completing an idea and feeling happy with it
– the thought of people discovering my works years after they have been written
– talking about topics that I enjoy, or that I feel very passionate about
– writing stories that entertain me
– feeling smarter as I attempt to become “better” as a writer (whatever that means)
– surprising people
– getting people to seriously ponder my ideas
– flashes of inspiration
– the speed and depth which inspiration creates
– the emotional high that comes with the inspiration
– the freedom that comes with expressing my individuality
– creating discussion
– EVERYTHING about creating fiction (unless it involves anything in my “hate” list)
– learning before I start to write when I desire to write, because it helps make my writing more profound, better, etc.