QUEBEC, CANADA – Citing the recent incident of Muslim-on-Muslim violence in the area, prominent Muslim figures in Quebec gathered to proclaim that they were no longer Muslim. “Because so many Muslims are carrying out Jihad, as required by the Quran, I am encouraging all to stop following the Quran,” said one such religious authority. “Clearly, the metaphors are lost, and people are interpreting our text too seriously. I mean, can you imagine if Christians ate flesh and drank blood?” Many locals condemned the previously religious messenger as being “too extreme” and “racist”. When pressed for comment, he responded “They are bat shit crazy,” before being shot in the forehead with an AK-47 by a brown-skin, bearded gentleman screaming “Allahu akbar!” The shooter declined to be interviewed, as he was shot by local police. One young woman, upon witnessing an explosion nearby, was caught by our microphones exclaiming “What a beautiful fireworks show!”
Every time I take a shit, I use enough toilet paper to make my right hand look like a terrorist.
It’s already been interrogated by the government six times.
I think it was around Monday when me, my mother, and brother went to the 9/11 Memorial in Manhattan. The weather was as chilly as ever, crowds stuck to the alleys and walls, and the horns blared loud. We walked and walked and walked, just to make it to one place. There was this tall skyscraper building that pointed to the grey sky; I had been too enamored with what was around me on the ground to notice its bright point. It looked like a kind of radio tower, one of those singular signals they use to send communications over and through air waves. Come to find out, it is the One World Trade Center. Very interesting name. The buildings that once stood in Ground Zero were known as “the World Trade Center” or “the Twin Towers.” Having its name shifted to “One World” seems to imply that the world…
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